I am so scared to be alone, surrounded with people who never knew the fear
They'll get mad at me for being moody but won't ask me why I'm being like this
I'm happy by skin yet sad and finding what I never had by heart and soul
My face paralyzed with a smile, my eyes dried with tears, I find it hard to mourn
Heart's controlled by mindless brain. My brain governed by my broken heart.
Lost. Where do I go but curl up like a child waiting to be dead by the end of month
World is beautiful and it seems my life isn't included in this mundane creation
Only in daydreams do I find freedom, but my daydreams you ruined and tore
So I'll be taping them together with spaces visible and pieces lost with the air
Expecting you to show up one day to crumple it up just when I moved on again
Care I give, Love I show, Nothing I gain. I am up here, still alone
Care you receive, Love you saw, Nothing you give. You're there happy with other people
One day when all is hard to take, my body will quiver and act deceptively
Deceived by my own being. I thought I was OK, but "OK" was out of my vocabulary
The skies. They provide me with infinite solace, a reason why I still hold my head high
The tears. They came racing down my trembling cheeks, a reason why I bowed down and hide
I am a fucked up irony. No one will understand my language, including me.
In this realization, I try to be smart hoping knowledge will decipher this mystery
But mystery I am. I will be misunderstood just like how kings read the stars
They thought it was the end of me. The end of me I wait, together with pain & scars
The songs I listen to, they halfly speak about my lifestory and innermost feelings
The poems I try to rhyme but they come out so soon like a waterpot full to the brim
The water flows out of me, drying my insides, left me with nothing, not even a tear
But you showed up just like a disease causing my eyes to swell with salty pearls and seas
I'm drowning. Drowned by own tears I did not bother to wipe or drink up at all
I tried to rise up, but when I'm on my knees, you kicked me down and down I fall
An ocean of denial, an ocean of calm waves but raging whirlpools underneath
I cock my head by the horizon where the sky and water seem to endlessly meet
So that you'll see me drowning. That maybe you'll dive and come to save me
In dismay, you took a step away from the shore, laid an umbrella and cloth to enjoy the scene
A shark swims towards me. Panic kicked me down and sent me under the water
A shark it was not, but something I've never seen, never dreamed of or heard
It told me swimming class is over and that by this time I should be floating
I breathe in and felt my body rising to the surface until I was already flying
My eyes met the skies, now holding my head high seems so impossible
So I look down at you, completely blown away. By my maginificence? I don't know.
I heard you squeak, from a mile away you said, "I love you..I'm really sorry."
I smiled, a curve in my face I never knew before, & whispered, "I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry."
~ Written with tears on Dec 16, 2012, 4:57 pm
