Finer Things // h.s.

Epilogue 3

"To Harry." He smiles and tosses the liquid back easily.

"Count me in." Niall says as he stands and makes his way over to the bench.

"I've been sober all day, me too," Mitch says and gets up and goes to the counter. I bend down and take out a few more shot glasses and place them on the counter. I stand and watch as Liam makes his way over to us and silently pours a shot in the glass.

"To Harry." He says softly and I see Sarah poking her head out from around Mitchell and she takes a glass in her hand.

"To Harry." She agrees, pouring herself a shot. We stand here around the kitchen bench, the sun melting into the horizon and I raise my full shot glass, as does everyone else. The seven shot glasses, filled to the brink of whisky raised in the air is a sight I wish I could show Harry.

"To the most marvellous man any of us had the privilege to call a friend, a lover, a bandmate, a fashion icon... and a father." I say proudly, choking on my words. I push through, knowing Harry wouldn't want me to be upset whilst surrounded by everyone right now.

"To Harry!" Everyone says in unison, clinking their glasses and tossing back the liquid.

"God, fifty-eight and that's still not any easier." Liam smiles and everyone chuckles and laughs at his words.

"C'mon Payno, deal with it, mate." Louis says sarcastically, patting Liam on the back as he wipes the burning liquid from his lips.

After the shot Gemma left to catch a flight home but the rest of us spend the evening lounged around the back porch, everyone cuddled together and reminiscing the 'old days'. Today was the first day I lit a cigarette pressed between my lips. It's been over twenty years. I flick the cigarette, removing any ash and debris collected at the tip and lift the cigarette to meet with my lips and inhale, I'm quick to realise I can actually hear the sizzle of the cigarette because of how quiet it's gone. I draw back from it and blow the smoke out to the night sky as I stand leaning across the railing. Silence washes over us and I'm unsure why. Two seconds ago, Liam was telling us about the time he gave Harry a sign that said 'kiss me I'm legal' without even understanding what the sign said, now we sit in silence.

"I tell you what," I say with an exhale as I press the cigarette back to my lips and inhale, hearing the crackle of the tobacco burning. I remove it from my lips and blow it out and look out onto the stars.

"I am so fucking uninterested in a life without Harry Styles." I say with an exhale and a slight scoff.

"And I'm angry. I'm angry he got sick; god I mean he was only fifty-seven." I sigh.

"And I'm angry that he'll never meet the baby growing in Lucille's belly, or see Vinnie get married next summer, I'm just so fucking furious and you know what else I'm angry about?" I turn around to face everyone, my hands held onto the railing behind me, shaking.

"I'm furious, absolutely enraged that I don't get to see that damn smile ever again. I'll never tell him off for having the TV too loud, I'll never get to touch my husband's skin again because he's gone. He's gone and he's not coming back and I'm fucking furious!" I spit, throwing the cigarette butt over the balcony of our porch. Silence fills our surroundings once more.

"But all I've ever known since five years old was a world with Harry, now I have to unlearn it." I whisper and we sit in silence for a few moments.

"I'm angry I'll never get to hear his laugh again. Y'know... the one only a few of us will ever hear. The kind that makes everyone else laugh too." Sarah says softly as she wipes away underneath her eyes and Mitch runs his hand up and down her arm.