Things I could never say to you

I wish you knew

That you knew I cry myself to sleep every night because you're not the person I fell in love with. I've seen the pictures in you're phone of people you say you don't care about or no longer love, another lie among the broken promises. I wish you kept just one in the time I've known you. You couldn't even keep the little ones, the smallest of promises. I've lost faith and trust in you but I need you so I can live. I no longer find comfort in your arms when they were once the only place I called home. Now you causally throw your arm over my shoulders and get mad when I ask for a hug. I ask for the person I fell in love with but was that person even real? You say you haven't changed but when I look at you, I see a stranger. You call everyone nicknames but me, you complement anyone you see but ask why I'm not satisfied with what I have when I ask, what about me? Am I no longer lovely in your eyes? Do you know I used to dream of you every night, but now it's only nightmares I deal with alone? I dream of you leaving and not caring, me dying and you're ready to move on before I'm even cold. I'm always cold now, I feel empty and dead inside. Even as I lie next to you at night, you don't feel me shake with silent sobs and muffled cries. What happened to the person who used to hold me and tell me everything would be all right? Now you get mad when you see me cry, say it doesn't affect you and just makes you annoyed. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I really do try but I'm so tired and everyone asks why. Why don't you stand up for yourself? Why are you always sad? I ask myself why and I say it's for a kid that's not even mine. I wish you were the reason still but you lost that a long time ago. You see, I remember all the drunken nights, the times you would get in my face and yell until you turned red. You say it doesn't count since you don't remember but I do. I live with the memories of how you used to make love to your ex's, all the people you've had sex with, all the fun times that you say, I did it with them but not for you because I'm different. The self doubt, the depression and anxiety, things I want to tell you but I can't because you'll just get mad again. I'm so lost, I've drowned and you never came, saying I'm not worth chasing after. But of course it doesn't matter because you don't remember, right? That's how this play goes, I die and have to keep smiling in hell. Oh well another tear shed, to show me I am unfortunately still alive.