Eddy was feeling weird. He'd never felt like this before. Sleeping was impossible. As soon as he lay down and closed his eyes, he could see and hear Brett screaming in pain in front of him. Sreams booming in his ears and in his head, threatening his brain to exlpode every second.
These days were extremely difficult for Eddy, being prepared for all the sideeffects and maybe pains again. At least they got painkillers strong enough to take it, if it happened again. Brett being like a calendar with his cycling mood and health made Eddy extra nervous after chemo. He figured instead of getting awakened by Brett's struggling, that made him feel like someone ripped his heart out, he could pretty much just stay awake and be prepared if something happened.
Of course, he fell asleep sometimes. Some days Brett was up, and they went to bed together.
-Please hold me, Brett would beg, and Eddy did that. Of course. The feeling of having that beautiful guy in his arms, kissing and stroking, made him drift off before he knew it. All the hormones made him sleepy, warm and soft. Everything bad in the whole world disappeared when lying there, just melting together with that wonderful angel sent him, he didn't know anything else before the big black silence got him.
But he would always wake up again an hour or two later, not being able to sleep again no matter what he did.
Watching Brett sleeping next to him, hearing his calm, deep breathing, made Eddy tense up. It made him feel lonely. Eddy beat himself up because of this, having Brett sleeping peacfeully should've been calming to him, shouldn't it? He felt ungrateful and hated himself for it.
When he woke up from a couple of hours sleeping, he was shivering all over, not knowing what had happened. He felt dizzy and his heart was racing even though he didn't do anything, and he feared something was gravely wrong with him too. Thoughts which made the whole thing even worse.
Maybe he should see a doctor.
On days where Brett was sleeping a lot, Eddy didn't bother asking him to eat anymore. He didn't bother eating himself either. Eddy felt like an empty shell, having no soul. He didn't even know what he did during the days, not remembering anything.
This week he was going to teach at the uni some whole days. 5 ensembles needed help before a performing, and their teacher was stuck in another country due to covid.
Speaking of covid, Eddy was really hesitant to take the job, if he got sick and brought that shit home, Brett would die, no question about it. But hell, they needed the money and he needed to get out of the house before he turned crazy.
Eddy hated himself for it and he would never admit it, but Brett's disease was quickly getting more than he could handle.
Therefore, getting his job, was something he felt mostly good about.
He was anxious about Brett being home alone all day though.
Again he had to remind himself that Brett was an adult. But he really couldn't leave him alone all those hours.
Eddy called a couple of friends and asked them if they could please make a visit to Brett these days this week, just, show up all of a sudden, not telling anything about why of course, just, pretend like it was all random.
3 friends promised to pay Brett a visit, 2 days each, Eddy was grateful beyond words.
Monday he was up early as usual and pulled himself together a little extra, to make sure he got it. He looked forward to leave the house, do some other stuff, not just to take care of his boyfriend.
-What the fuck are these thoughts Eddy?? some voice in his head yelled. -Shouldn't you be thankful for having him at all, the love of your life? You call yourself a boyfriend, yet you flee your home to get away from him, now when he needs you the most? What kind of a sick person are you? You're a terrible excuse for a man!
Eddy enjoyed the day anyway, he told the voice to shut the fuck up.
-I 've deserved this break! He tried to think, and was in great spirits returning home that afternoon.
Brett was up. Eddy greeted him wholeheartedly. -Hii there handsome, you're up! You look like a real snack today, what do you want for dinner?
Brett blinked. -Have you been drinking?
-No, God, why? I'm coming straight from school!
-You look...different.
-Well, I guess I had fun with the students today, it was good for me getting out, change of environemt you know..
-Away from me, you mean? Brett looked hurt.
-Nooo, that's not what I meant!
-That's what you said. You said it without it being said. I'm sorry I'm such a burden on you. Brett turned away and walked towards the bedroom.
-BRETT! His voice came out much stricter and louder than it was meant.
-Yeah, and by the way, Ollie stopped by earlier, returning your sheet music. I put them in your shelf in the studio, Brett said, with a voice Eddy had never heard before. Sounded dry, like..lifeless, and a little bit... sad? Angry?
Brett closed the door behind him and went to bed.
