SEEN / julie and the phantoms

exhale

It took me a while to get out of my car once I arrived to Luke's house. It was like I had to find the energy all over again to walk to the front door just to ring the doorbell. I finally mustered the courage and found myself standing at the front door. It took me a few minutes, but I pushed the doorbell and awaited them to answer. 

I had done pretty well holding myself together but as soon as the door flung open and I saw Emily standing there, my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces all over again. We stared at each other for a moment and I was waiting for one of us to start crying, but shockingly it never came. 

She pulled me into her arms and held me the way that only a mother knows how to hold her child. I wrapped my arms around her, just standing in her arms as long as she needed me to. I could never imagine losing a child. Your only child, at that. It must have felt like she lost her world. 

"I am so happy to see you, dear." Emily said as she welcomed me in and shut the door behind me. 

"I'm sorry it took me so long to visit." I said to her. 

"Come sit." I followed her to the kitchen and we sat across from each other at the table. I could tell she was expecting me because she had my favorite tea in a mug waiting in the spot I always sat at when I'd come over for dinner. "Mitch is at work, but he should be home in an hour or so. How have you been, honey?" 

"I've been trying, you know? It's what they would have wanted." I said to her.

"Well, they're boys and they're needed. You take all the time you need." She reached across the table and put her hand over mine. "Are you still going to do music?" 

"I don't know if I can. I promised myself I would for them, but I can't imagine getting in front of a mic without them. We were all each other's support system, it was impossible to have stage fright because we had each other." I wrapped my hands around the warm mug, relaxing as I felt the warmth sink into my palms. 

"I won't pretend to understand." Emily nodded, pursing her lips together.

"Emily, you should know that the show we were gonna perform that night was gonna change our lives. Luke's persistence got us that gig and we were going to be huge after it. Luke's dream, our dream, is what got us there." I explained to her. I wanted her to know that whatever she thought, that night was in fact going to be the start of our lives as musicians. 

"Luke's dream is what got him killed." Emily said quietly, looking down at her mug. 

"Emily..." I said softly. "Please don't think of it like that."

"I'm sorry. I just wish things could be different." She said to me. 

"I know you do." 

"I haven't found the strength to go into Luke's room, but if you want, if you can... I'd like you to take whatever you like of his. I know it'll do better in your hands than here collecting dust." She said after a short silence. I gave her a small smile and nodded before standing up with my mug and making my way towards Luke's room. Emily stopped at the end of the hall and I didn't realize it, but I stopped in front of Luke's room unable to reach for the door knob. I looked over at Emily and she gave me a reassuring nod. 

I took a deep breath and reached for the door knob, twisting it and pushing it open. I stepped into Luke's room and set my mug on his desk. I took another much needed deep breath and walked to his dresser. I sat on my knees and pulled open the bottom drawer which I knew was full of junk. 

I pulled out a photo album, one of my favorites and began to go through it. It was mostly his parents in high school, but towards the end is when the baby pictures started to show up. All it took was me being the only kid in kindergarten to show up to Luke's birthday party for us to become two peas in a pod. Our parents followed behind quickly. We began having dinner with his family on Sundays, family trips to the beach together, all of the cheesy things you see in movies. Including the parents dreaming and wishing their two little angels grow up and fall in love because wouldn't it just be the most precious love story?