Silence

I missed my childhood. I've had to provide for myself since I can remember, my mother drunk, father missing for years with no trace of where he went. I didn't understand why I had been given this life, but it was for some reason. I've been fighting my whole life against my mother, bullies, and my own inner demons.

I wanted to just- die. But I did find a way out of my life without actually ending it. Some days I did it involuntarily, but most days I used it as a coping skill. What is it anyway? Well it's something I've been doing for a while, and it seems to work, and it's called age regression. It's a coping mechanism that a lot of people use, and it seems to work, at least for me. When I regress I normally regress to around the ages of 2-7 years old. So I have an arrange of stuff for when I'm in small-space.

Pacifiers, bottles, sippy cups, blankets, stuffies, toys, books, chewies, I even took over the family walk-in closet for my small-space. It has buckets of dolls, trucks, and stuffies, a nice blanket covering the floor, and even coloring books! It's amazing when I'm in my small space, it's like nothing is going on in my life. 

My caregiver, Penny is fantastic. Our relationship is entirely platonic. She helps me when I'm in my small space so I don't hurt myself. She takes care of me like she would her own child.

"June," She would say "It's time for bed!"

"But I don't want to!" I said, crossing my arms and pouting.

"Come on Buggy, don't you want to go to the amusement park tomorrow?"

"Yes..."

"Then we need to get to bed." She says, taking my hand and leading me to my bedroom.

I followed willingly, my eyes becoming very tired. She set me down on the bed, and I laid down. Then pulling out a book she read to me.

"This is Violet, violet is a child just like you..." She continued reading, but I didn't pay attention, I was too tired.

I soon fell asleep, bliss surrounding me as I cuddled my unicorn.

                                                                                        ~~~

The next day Penny woke me up early and to my surprise, I was still in my small space. It didn't normally last this long. I brushed it aside and got ready for the day, eating cheerios for breakfast, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed. I wore a rainbow onesie and pink tutu. I then put socks on but struggled, luckily Penny was there to help me, with both socks and shoes. She then did my hair into pigtails and gave me my paci. I popped it into my mouth, and then followed her into the kitchen, where my bio mom sat, a glass bottle in her hands.

"June, w-what are you wearing?" She asked slurring her words.

I hid behind Penny and she responded for me,

"We're going to the amusement park today Ms. Ilene."

"Well, have fun!"

Penny then filled a couple of bottles of water and handed me my sippy cup to hold in the car. I got into the back of the van and penny buckled me up. She then got into the driver's seat and we took off. While we were driving there I picked up my stuffie that stayed in the van. He was a turtle and his name was Carl. I cuddled him the entire way there, and once we reached the park, Penny told me to leave him in the car. I reluctantly agreed and we went to the park gates. There was barely anyone there, as it was a run-down place, but it was still fun with all the gift shops and rides.

We entered and I immediately went to my favorite ride, The Carasoul. I showed my stamp to the ride operator and he let both Penny and I in. I picked out the most colorful horse and sat down on it, Penny standing next to me making sure that I wouldn't fall off.

The ride started up, silly music playing, the horses going up and down. I smiled ear to ear and it felt like no time had passed before it stopped. When it did, my smile turned into a frown, as I wanted it to go on. But I didn't put up a fuss when Penny helped me down.

We then went on a few more rides before eating PB&J sandwiches for lunch. Afterward, we played a few games and won prizes one I gave to Penny, and she one a big fluffy blue dog for me. We then went on more rides, some big people roller-coasters, other little kids' rides. But soon the sun set and it was time to go home.

"Was today a good day?" Penny asked.

I nodded, excited for what tomorrow would bring.