my words mean a lot to me.
the words i speak and the thoughts i entertain are the only thing that have ever given me even the slightest inclination that i'm real. that i'm a human. that life is more.
the thought of miscommunicating myself always haunts me. it's a fear of mine to use my words incorrectly. to translate the mess of my thoughts into something i never intended it to mean in the first place.
i've always wanted my words to matter. wanted them to matter to other people, wanted them to matter to myself. wanted to be so connected to my words that no one would ever get the chance to know who i am unless i told them myself. wanted to save myself from judgment by keeping things to myself until i was confident enough to express them.
lately i think i've spread my words too thin. sharing them with people who don't care and speaking them before they're fully developed. sharing fragments of things i haven't been able to fully put my heart into. apologizing for things i'm not sorry for and over-apologizing for the things that i truly regret. so what's the truth?
i change my mind so often that my words lose meaning every single time i contradict myself. i cast a shadow over the past and cover it up with as many words as i can until i've said so much yet so little that the past words are forgotten.
how am i supposed to expect myself to create art with my words if i'm always giving them to people who don't want them? how am i ever going to have anything important to say if i'm always breaking down the concepts into things that don't even matter? into meaningless conversations and talking points that never go anywhere because no one ever wants to challenge my thought processes.
i know i need to reduce my words. i need to make them special and important again. need to stop seeing myself as a thoughtless void of a human being every time i try to put my words on a paper or a screen that isn't being directly shown to other people.
there's a beauty in language. a beauty in making less mean more and giving comfort or even discomfort. a power in how words can move other people into action.
but i 'm just not sure if my words will ever mean anything to me again
