before you / jung jaehyun

forty three

"you dont get it, do you?" she asked, him, frustrated and all. jaehyun scoffed, "no aeri, i really dont! this is all so confusing to me! if i do this, you get mad. and if i dont do that, you also get mad. i cant do any fucking thing right with you!" he yelled, not because he wanted to but because their surroundings were so loud they couldnt even hear each other properly.

"do you need me to spell it out for you, jaehyun? is that what you want? fine!" she raised her voice. she took a deep breath before yelling out, "i'm in love with you!" and then her voice cracked and she felt a tear run down her cheeks again. this time, she knew her tears werent going to stop anytime soon.

jaehyun's facial expression immediately changed. suddenly, the loud noises were cancelled out like as if he was wearing noise cancelling headphones. the only thing he could hear, and see, was her. a moment of silence passed. a gush of wind blew past them. her hair covered her face, it was all messy now.

"i am in love with you, jung jaehyun. i have feelings for you, very strong feelings," she added on. her voice hoarse, she felt her throat swell up. "that's why what you did hurt me so goddamn bad," she said. jaehyun didnt know what to feel, nor did he know what to say.

"i cant believe i have to stand here, crying my eyes out on new years telling my bestfriend i have feelings for him," she tried to let out a chuckle, to perhaps lighten the mood. she rubbed her nose that was getting stiff from all the cold. "i thought i made it obvious,"

but when he opened his mouth, all that came out was, "for how long... have you known?" and aeri looked away, "for quite some time. i first felt like this when we kissed during the spin the bottle game at that party," but jaehyun was in denial.

"maybe you dont like me! maybe you're just infatuated. be-beecause of the kiss and–" he tried to explain to her that her feelings were nonsense, but she got angry. "you dont get it. it was all a bunch of little things you did that made me feel like this for you, jae," she rebutted.

she wanted to walk away. but there was nowhere else to go. "at first i thought it was infatuation too. but then as days passed, i realized that the only thing i looked forward to was meeting you, seeing you smile, hearing you talk," she found herself getting calmer now. why? because she was talking about him.

i told you, in a state of calamity, he was always there to give her peace. "and everytime you touch me, i feel myself getting butterflies. and everytime im with you, i dont want the day to end. it's little things like that made me realize it was more than just infatuation," she explained herself.

"i thought i could get rid of these feelings, but it grew stronger everyday," she cried. tears flowing down her face like it was a river. jaehyun finally got closer. and instead of talking, he pulled her into a hug, and she let him. she let him touch her. "im sorry," she whispered.

"i just dont know what to do," she sobbed into his chest. "and im so tired of acting like i'm okay," jaehyun wanted to speak, but nothing felt like coming out of his mouth. she had so much more to say, but she couldnt take it anymore. she was crying so hard and was at her limit.

she was tired, alone, she just wanted to be at home and cry herself to sleep.

"i never asked for any of this to happen, jae. please believe me," she mumbled into his embrace, her tears dissolving into his jacket, into his clothes. but he didnt mind. he never minded.

jaehyun patted her on the back and rested his chin on her head. "i believe you, aeri. and it's okay, if you dont want to talk about it, we dont have to," he whispered to her. he knew she was exhausted, and he didnt want her to over-exhaust herself, on new years, for christ's sake.