Blank Slate Kate

Chapter 26

It's in my handwriting.

I show Ryan and he nods. "She found that the toughest part of this job. So many clients were fooling around on their partners, or going through partners like they go through rehab clinics, and she hated it. But she had to hide that, since she'd have lost most of her clients if she didn't, and she hated that too."

I look back at the sheet, then flip it over. I pushed so hard with the pen that my letters are engraved on the back side. "I really did hate it, didn't I?"

Such a passionate issue for me and I don't remember.

He nods again then clears his throat. "How do you feel about it now? I mean, what do you remember feeling?"

I consider this. "Back in high school I thought I'd wait until I got married. I don't remember being a zealot about it or anything, though. But now I run an abstinence charity, so I guess I am."

He starts to reply but I cut him off. "Hey, what about you? Are you involved in the charity?"

He shakes his head.

"But do you believe in it? Or were you a stud before you married me?"

I'm trying to lighten the mood, since he seems tense and nervous, but he flinches at my joking comment and I realize I'm not helping. "Sorry, I--"

He speaks over me. "I saw too many friends mess up their lives with pre-marital sex so I decided not to."

"Not to," I repeat, before I realize what he's saying. "We didn't... we were both..."

He raises his chin as if he's going to nod but instead looks deep into my eyes. "That wedding night was the best night of my life."

I should be touched by this, the thought of us two virgins making love for the first time after our wedding, but all I can think is, 'Thank God I didn't sleep with Jake.' If my husband's that committed to no pre-marital sex, he couldn't be thrilled if I-- Wait. "But you had an affair. Didn't that include sex?"

To my surprise, he shakes his head.

"No? You didn't cheat?"

I can see he doesn't want to look me in the eye but he doesn't look away as he says, "I did cheat. I just didn't sleep with her. We did... other stuff, but when it got to that, I couldn't." He sighs. "That night, that we almost did, was the night I came home and confessed to Donna. I didn't want to ever get to that point again."

Other stuff. I don't want to think about it. "So you didn't have sex with her and you think that makes it okay?"

His eyes flash. "No way. I know the whole thing was wrong. I hate myself for it, and I wish you did too. Wish Donna did, I mean."

"Maybe she did. We don't know."

"I do know. She didn't care, didn't even react."

"You said she cried that night."

He waves that aside as if crying herself to sleep was a regular occurrence for Donna. Sadly, it probably was. "But after that, nothing. She never got mad, never screamed at me. It was like she didn't care at all, like it didn't matter."

Anger for Donna floods me and I stand and glare down at him. "Bullshit, Ryan. Of course she cared. How could she not? She loved you and you cheated on her. Maybe you didn't actually screw Colleen but it sounds like you were close enough that you might as well have. And now you're saying Donna didn't react enough so she must not have cared? Of course she cared. Hell, I care. And unlike her, I'll tell you. You did a shitty thing to her, you basically broke that trust you shared, and there's no way she wasn't mad because I'm furious and I don't even remember it!"

He stands up too. "Then why didn't she tell me? Why did she pretend not to care? Why'd she say it was okay?"

I move closer. "And I thought you were smart. She loved you, you big idiot. She didn't want to lose you."

"Well, I don't want to lose you either!"

We stare into each other's blazing eyes for a moment, then he catches my face in both hands and kisses me hard. The explosion of heat and hunger between us takes me over and all I can do is kiss him back.

Our first kiss, the first I remember anyhow, was full of love. This one is hotter than my anger and sets every last cell of my body alight with desire.

Ryan backs me to the desk, still kissing me with unbelievable passion, and when my butt touches the desk I jump up without thinking. He catches hold of my hips and raises me higher, and I land softly on the desk, the whole thing as fluid as if we've done it a thousand times.

He growls deep in his throat and jerks my hips toward his and I wind my legs around him and pull him even closer and we keep kissing, bodies and mouths locked together, the passion between us so high I can't think.

Then he jerks backward and frees himself from my legs and stumbles back across the room.

We stare at each other, both panting. My whole body is pounding and I want him more than I'd ever thought possible. It hurts not to have him against me.

But what hurts more is the look on his face, part yearning and part horror.

"I can't. I can't."

He might have to because I'm not sure I'll survive if he doesn't. I remember the teenage boys in high school moaning about 'blue balls' but until now I didn't know how that would feel.

Legally, I could take this man right here on my desk, or on the couch or the carpet or up against the wall. He's my husband. Of course, given how turned on I am I don't care about the legalities. I want him. I need this burning heat to consume us both then leave us different, changed.

Leave us together.

That's what I want, I realize. I want to be with him. "If... Ryan, maybe I'll remember if we do."

He shuts his eyes. "I promised Donna I would never again touch anyone else."

"But I'm not anyone else, I'm--"

"Kate. You're Kate. I've been trying to pretend you're Donna. You look like her, you sound like her, and God help me you kiss like her. But you're not her. And I won't break my promise to her. I've broken too many but not this one. I can't."

I take a few deep breaths, trying both to get my head around this and to calm my body, then say, "So if I don't get my memories back, you'll never be my husband for real?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me, his gaze full of both the passion we shared and a deep sadness, then says, "I am Donna's husband. And that's the way it's going to stay."

***

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you’re enjoying Kate's story. The next chapter will be uploaded on Friday! :) (Please note - I'm working really hard on another book and am behind on comments here - but I hugely appreciate them and will respond shortly! :)

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