Immortal Beloved

Chapter 20

Days passed. Carlisle and Esme visited my home regularly to check in on Ana and me. Despite the agreement I had made with the werewolf leader Peter, Ana and I had not discussed any plans as to moving. She was hesitant to engage in that conversation; I had made attempts and hints at it, all of which she either flat out ignored or redirected into some other topic.

In general, Ana was distant. Her normally incessant cheerfulness was dulled, her boundless energy subdued. I would come home from school to find her gone more often than not. I tried not to take this personally; Ana was surely just as stressed out by the situation as I was. I wondered if she perhaps felt some personal responsibility over the situation. Jacob had blamed me for James' presence, but he had been Ana's ex-lover, not mine. If she hadn't offered our home to him, this never would have happened.

I didn't blame Ana at all. She couldn't be held responsible for the actions of another, only her dreadful taste in lovers. One would think a matchmaker would be able to choose well for herself.

That weekend was quite sunny and pleasant. Jessica had called and invited me to come hiking with our usual group, and I was sorry to have to turn it down. The list of mortals that could see me in the sunlight was supposed to be kept to zero. There was one on my list now, and it could not grow beyond that.

"Oh, it's going to be such a gorgeous day," Jessica said when I told her I could not come. "Why can't you come?"

There was an ache in my chest as my mind ran over the truthful words which I could never share with her: Because I am a vampire, and the sunlight shines off my skin like diamond. It would shock you and frighten you, and then I could never talk to you again. I gave Jessica the excuse that I had a lot of homework to catch up on and simply couldn't justify the time.

"Right, you did miss a bunch of time," Jessica said, the disappointment in her voice clear. "Well, maybe the weather will hold out till next Saturday, you know?" she added in a more cheerful tone.

I stared out the window of our living room listlessly for some time after getting off the phone. Spring had taken over Forks, and the trees had grown thick in their foliage. The lawns of the well-kept houses in our neighborhood had returned to their neat, green state after their wintery hibernation. Some of our neighbors had planted colorful flowers in their front yards, and they rose up cheerfully to green the sunlight which fed them.

Unlike popular vampire myths, the sunlight did not hurt me, but I was nonetheless cut off from that warmth. I couldn't step out lest I expose myself for what I am to every mortal with working eyes. I hadn't felt the sunlight in so long that I couldn't remember a time when I missed it. Yet that Saturday afternoon, sitting in my empty home, gazing out into that neighborhood where children ran up and down the street and couples walked by hand-in-hand, I felt that grief.

Grief. I was grieving the loss for what was to come. And what was worse: I did not know when it would come. I didn't know when James would return and give us the chance to take care of him for good. It could be any minute, but it could also be weeks or months. And I had to continue in that routine which brought me close to the mortals I had come to care for deeply, because I was the one who had to protect them.

These were my thoughts, uninterrupted save for a brief visit from Carlisle, until the evening. As the sun, that barrier to life, returned to the dark western horizon for another night, my phone rang, shaking me from my stupor.

It was Edward. I answered immediately.

"Hey, Bella," he said, his voice altered by the frequency of the call. "Are you busy right now?"

I glanced about myself in the darkness where I had sat for hours. "Not at all," I said, standing to turn on the lights.

"Would you like to come over?" he said after a moment's hesitation.