This Is Where This Ends

losing hope

I was just told early this morning that I'm not going to make it until my birthday, a couple of months from now. I felt like fainting at that exact moment, I mean who wouldn't? I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer after all. And to hear that news came out from someone I considered close to a stranger, I thought about protesting. I thought, how could anyone like her can just abruptly say that to me as though she has known me all my life and she gets to say when will my heart going to stop beating?! Who the hell she think she was? A fxcking grimreaper?? I even consider punching her right there in her own lab for a nano second but decided against it. The least thing I needed right now is to be charged of a physical assault like a crazy man and spend my remaining days in jail.

Yeah, I was in denial I must say. I knew it, I knew something was wrong with my body a few months ago, but I just brushed the thoughts off of my head and never had gotten a chance to run myself around for a check up as soon as I should've considered having. People have been commenting about my sudden weight loss too many times but I kept on dismissing their concern at the side. I thought I was a superhuman and that I'm invincible, I guess I'm wrong.

We run another couple of tests after that to be sure but it always gives us the same result, same conclusion. After calming myself down, it already sinks in to me. It was helpless. Finally, I thanked the doctor and bid her goodbye. We only met for how many days but now I wasn't sure if that would also be my last farewell to her but she just smiled apologetically. She must be sorry for me for there's nothing she could do to save me no matter how hard she'll try. We both know it is too late now, we have arrived to the end game even before we could start and play the game.

As I head outside the hospital, I thought about what's next? What now? I only have more or less than 8 weeks. I am only 27 and now I wouldn't even be able to celebrate my birthday, and yet I felt like I aged two times my age after I left that building. I hated hospital for a reason. I walked past where I parked my car. I continue walking. I didn't want to stop. I didn't know where I'm heading, I just wanted to wander off somewhere.

I chuckled to myself. Is this some sort of a joke?? Cause if this is, I need someone to tell me that the prank ends here and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief now.

How amazing that in the surface, I don't even look sick, and I don't feel sick to be completely honest. I could even drive straight to the office right now and work casually as if there's nothing wrong. But our body has this way of surprising us, huh? Like surprise bxtch!! And I don't know how am I going to lasts on my remaining days trying not to be depressed about the fact that I'm dying and I couldn't do anything about it.

I'm an orphan, I lived alone and I have no one to call that I could consider as my family. What I only have is a job, a car and my apartment. Oh and a bxtchy friends I don't even consider friends. Nice!! I was just okay not having friends cause I thought, I don't need anyone to rely on with, Im used being alone, and I am capable of taking care of myself anyway. But now? It's different. I never felt this alone and lonely ever in my entire life.

Just as I was starting to see life in a different perspective, and now it has to be taken away from me just like that!

*beeeep*
*screeeeeeeech*

The last thing she saw was the beaming of light that blinded her and she froze on her spot, and then blackout!
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N/A: Initially posted this on facebook group and received kind and encouraging words so I figured I put this out here for the whole world to read. Lol! Not exactly the whole world, but you reading this means a lot to me so thank you so much! Sml 💖