-I feel sick. Brett sighed and looked at Eddy through his a little too long fringe. They were suddenly wet from some sweat Brett didnt know where came from. He felt a little nausious and dizzy as well.
Eddy looked back at him with concerned eyes.
-You wanna do the rest tomorrow?
Brett nodded.
They put their violins down and turned off the camera.
Brett stumbled into the livingroom and threw himself onto the sofa.
Eddy looked at his friend, worried to see his pale skin look even paler now.
-Brett, have you been losing weight?
-Yeah actually, I have, I dont know why, I feel like I ve been eating quite well, but yeah, my clothes got a bit looser.
-You've been pale and tired for a long time now, I reckon you need to see a doctor.
Brett groaned. He hated doctors!
-Okaaaaay, I will.
Brett got his appointment the following day already, he felt like a mess. The doctor seemed concerned as well, he took a lot of tests and Brett felt drained physically and mentally, drained of blood and overloaded with stupid thoughts.
The next day he was sleeping on the couch and Eddy was sitting in a comfy chair working on an e-mail, when Brett's phone rang.
It was his doctor.
Eddy couldnt hear what the doctor said, but he got Bretts answers.
-Yes, this is he. Yes, I took those tests yesterday.
Eddy looked up, Brett was silent for a "long" time. It definitely felt long. He could see how Brett tensed up, his hand started shivering when he grabbed a pen just to have something to hold on to.
-'Kay, but what does that mean? What are they gonna do at the hospital?
Eddy flinched.
-So, you're saying I'm getting hospitalised this afternoon? Why can't it wait until tomorrow at least? I haven't even packed anything. I'll need things and clothes if I'm gonna stay for a whole week! Brett's voice cracked a little at the end.
-Yes, I have a friend who can get me there. Yes, he can get me the things I need. Brett sighed.
-Where will I meet up? At the oncology?? Are you kidding me??!!
Eddy felt a sudden nausea well up from Brett's words and the despair in his voice. Eddy felt like he was gonna faint. He suddenly found himself sitting next to Brett on the couch.
It felt like he lost some time, like he had a blackout or something, he didnt get that Brett said bye or hung up or anything. The next thing he knew, he was taking Brett in his arms, pulling him closer, and Brett was crying and shivering. What the heck was this??
Brett was panicking, hyperventilating , while his words came, like rambling.
-He said, bloodtest were bad, I'm..I'm... probably like.. really ill, I don't know, I...
Eddy decided he was gonna come with Brett to the hospital and hear what the doctor there had to say for himself, this was too much.
Eddy helped Brett pack the most necessary, it was no question about anything else than he would come with his best friend.
They drove to the hospital in silence, Brett suddenly reached out for his hand, he'd never done that before.
Eddy's heart made a flutter, like it used to everytime he touched Brett in some way. He let Brett have his hand, wishing they could hold like that forever.
At the hospital they got to sit in a waitingroom, Brett already seemed exhausted from the trip. Again, he reached for Eddy's hand, and this time he leaned his head onto Eddy's shoulder as well. It had happened some times before, and every time Eddy felt lightheaded. This time he felt... a worry eating him up from the inside. With Brett leaning on his right shoulder, Eddy sighed and put his right arm around him, pulling him closer. Brett shivered once and Eddy tilted his head to see he was crying. He stroked his hair, kissed his head and felt the light scent from his shampoo, mixed with Brett's own bodyscent.
-Brett Yang? Suddenly a tall slender man stood in the doorway, and Eddy had to answer and rise, dragging his friend with him. Brett had put on his deadpan and seemed totally resigned.
Passively he followed the 2 taller men in to a small office on the left side of the corridor.
The doctor sat down, and let Brett and Eddy sit on 2 chairs standing right in front of him.
-Well..., the doctor typed on his computer.
- Your blood shows a way too high level of leukocytes. Those are your white blood cells. These are usually stemming from your immunesystem to help killing infections.
-So you're saying he has a bad infection of some sort? Eddy was awake. He was hoping this was what the doctor said. Eddy knew what the options were, and after all, he knew which kind of a doctor an oncologist was. But he was HOPING SO BADLY. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed his palms together.
Brett was pale and seemed like he had gone to his happyplace. He probably had. That was Brett's way of surviving uncomfortable things. Eddy knew. He knew his best friend so well.
This time he was the one reaching out for Brett's hand. It was cold. So cold.
-Well.. the doctor said. If he was infectious on this level he wouldn't be standing up. So thats most unlikely. And we've seen other things on his tests as well, that... well... indicates this is a kind of leukemia.
-Oh my God. Eddy shivered while inhaling, covering his face in his left palm as his right was still holding Brett's hand. Brett didnt react at all. His hand felt dead.
-We have to find out what kind of leukemia this is, and what kind of medication you will respond to. That's why we have to keep you here for some days. We need to run several tests and get some kind of treatment going as soon as possible., the doctor continued.
-I'll let you have a minute, he said and left his office.
Eddy turned to Brett, only to see tears forming in his eyes. Finally some kind of reaction! Eddy hated Brett's passive-strategy to handle stressful situations, he had seen it so many times before, and he knew it was only a matter of time before it dropped, every time.
-Oh my God , Brett...! He said, running towards his best friend, still sitting there.
Brett hid his face in his chest right away, Eddy pulled him as close as possible and stroked his back carefully.
Brett suddenly fell apart. Eddy knew. He was only waiting for it to happen. Brett cried, he cried his eyes and his heart out, loud and clear, and Eddy felt his whole inside shattering to pieces from this pain in Brett's crying. He didnt know what to do, other than just to be there.
The doctor showed up in the door again and watched them only for a second before he insisted on showing them Brett's room. He could tell Brett was exhausted, almost falling to pieces. Eddy had to drag him up onto his feet, and Brett's knees were shivering, almost giving way for his weight. Eddy sure hoped they didnt have to walk a mile to the room.
Turned out they didn't.
They were showed a room, neatly cleaned and ready to house a patient like Brett. A cancer-patient.
Eddy couldn't believe it.
Brett sunk on to the bed, not able to stand on his feet anymore. Eddy thought to himself that actually Brett had been this kind of tired for a long time now. He lost his stamina for so long ago, Eddy couldn't even remember.
Brett balled his body, crying loudly again, shivering, sweating...
The doctor asked Eddy if they needed anything, if he thought it was necessary to give Brett some sedatives to get him to calm down.
Eddy shook his head.
-Just give us 10 minutes. I got this.
The doctor left the room.
Eddy walked closer to the bed, stroked Brett's wet fringe away from his face.
-Brett...
He didn't know what to say, he just tried to use his voice to calm his friend down. He knew it would finally work.
-Brett, mate... I'm here.
Brett looked at him with red eyes.
-Can you please....lay down here with me?
Eddy thought he was dreaming. He HAD been dreaming about this so many times, but not in this crappy situasion though.
He carefully lay down alongside his friend, and Brett grabbed him immediately, hard, using his last muscle power to cling on to Eddy, it felt like for his life. Eddy let him.
He wrapped his body around Brett's, covering him, shielding him, protecting him from everything from outside. Eddy knew this wouldn't help though. He knew he couldn't protect Brett from this disease happening now, how much he wanted it to, but he knew Brett would feel less vulnerable by it.
Some minutes later Brett calmed down his crying. But his words as he spoke made every hair on Eddy's body stand.
-Am I gonna die now? ....
-No. No, you're not.
Eddy hoped Brett didnt feel his fear, he pulled him even closer to him.
-I'm so scared!
Brett was falling asleep, drained from all energy his crying had cost him, and Eddy whispered he was gonna leave when Brett finally was drifting away. He would be back tomorrow.
He stroked Brett's fringe again and kissed his forehead.
Brett nodded. It seemed ok. Eddy stroked his hair again and again, until he could hear Brett breathing deeply and calmly.
He pulled him closer one last time.
-I'll be back tomorrow. Sleep tight.
Eddy got home, feeling drained himself. House so empty without his roommate.
He tried to eat, he tried to play... tried to work out his feelings through something on both the piano and the violin. Sad melodies. All empty.
He could barely drag himself to bed. He didn't have any more energy left, he was unable to brush his teeth, undress...
His feet carried him to Brett's room. He didn't even notice it, before he lay down in Brett's bed.
Such empty.
He could smell Brett in the beddings, burried his nose and his face in it. But it all felt cold and silent.
He cried like he'd never done before.
His voice, the pain, the whimpers... sounded so unfamiliar. He didn't know he could sound like this. Like a wounded animal. He felt like that as well.
Suddenly he heard that voice covered in all pain in the world, shouting:
-Don't you die on me Brett! I love you! I love you more than my own fucking life! I can't live without you!
Truly, Eddy had felt like this for ages, he had loved Brett for as long as he could remember, for something he felt like before they even met! But he never had the balls to tell him. To tell him how much he wished Brett could be his spouse, how much he would love lying like they just did, every night..
If Brett died now.... (even the thought of it was way to painful!)
If Brett died now, he would never even know.
Eddy's mind went black.
