One hour later I found myself rolling a crying Thomas up the driveway to the house Lily and Alistair shared. I had followed Lily’s instructions and after parking in her driveway and setting up the pushchair, placing Thomas in it I was still not ready to do this. Also this was the moment Thomas picked to start bawling his eyes out so I knew I couldn’t wait outside forever. Arriving at the front door I hesitated before I rang the bell double checking my outfit. I had gone simple and plain, I was not dressing to impress and my old faded black jeans and blue floaty top I hoped screamed this fact. I would not give Alistair the wrong idea about this meeting, this was going to last five minutes I was getting in then I was getting the hell out. I rang the doorbell and waited praying maybe Lily had changed her mind, maybe I could leave and she would forgive, sadly I would never know as Lily opened the door beaming at my disgruntled look.
“Abbey, you’re here!” she squealed giving me a tight hug. “And you brought little Thomas too, how cute” she leant down and mad a silly face at him in his pushchair, thankfully this quietened him down, but I knew he would start up again soon, his nappy definitely needed changing from the stink I could smell emanating from him. I was surprised Lily didn’t recoil from it.
“Yeah” I forced enthusiasm. “I just need to change Thomas then I will be ready to go and see Alistair okay?” I smiled.
“Sure, bathrooms down the hall.” She pointed to a white door on the left.
“Thanks” I smiled and grabbed both Thomas and the nappy bag. In the bathroom I cooed at Thomas as I changed his nappy, my mind half on the job. I knew I was playing for time, but I didn’t care, I needed to figure out exactly what I was going to say. All too soon I was done with Thomas’s nappy and knew I had to leave the bathroom. Taking a deep breath I swung the bag over my shoulder and cradled Thomas in my arms exiting the bathroom. I placed the nappy bag back on the pushchair then walked into the living room. I was surprised to find that it was just Alistair sat down opposite a flat screen TV watching some car racing programme, no Lily in sight.
“She’s gone to her hair appointment.” He said turning his head to face me as I wandered into the room. “I suppose we should get on with this then.” He sighed and turned his complete attention to me. “You know you can sit down right?” he gestured to the sofa chair diagonal to the sofa. I sat down and began rocking Thomas in my arms gently, he needed to have his nap and I was hoping he would go to sleep easily today just like he usually did.
“So this is the little guy huh?” he said after we had sat for a few uncomfortable moments in silence.
“Yeah this is Thomas.” I smiled down at the bundle cradled in my arms, the cheeky thing was still wide awake even though he was supposed to be sleeping.
“Can I hold him?” he asked tentatively and I looked back up at him in shock. His face was completely blank, as if the answer to his question either way would mean nothing to him, but his eyes showed that this was in fact the opposite. I chewed my lip thinking over the answer, on the one hand this was a horrible idea, but on the other one little hold couldn’t hurt, hell everyone wanted to hold him he was my little angel.
“Okay” I replied chewing my lip nervously as I got up and passed Thomas carefully into Alistair’s outstretched arms, I then sat back down on the chair I had just vacated giving them space to breathe. I looked at them and felt guilty, this was not part of the plan I needed to get in and out, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Kalum would feel if he was seeing what I was seeing. My heart sank more as little Thomas began laughing, part of me couldn’t help but melt at this but another part of me was wishing Thomas had started aggressively crying which was wrong but I didn’t want to witness this bonding moment even though I had let it happen stupidly.
“He’s beautiful Abbey” Alistair whispered. “I’m so sorry” he looked up at me right in the eyes and I could tell he finally meant it, I mean he had said it before but now I truly believed he meant it.
“Well let’s just put this past us yeah?” I sighed to which he nodded in reply not taking his eyes off of Thomas.
“So what’s going on anyway? Why did you come over to talk to me and whys Lily acting weird?” he asked absentmindedly reminding me as to why I was even here in the first place.
“You need to stop being a dick”
“What?!’ his head snapped up so he could look at me. “What do you mean I need to stop being a dick, I haven’t spoken to you in ages?”
“Not to me, to Lily. You need to get your act together and stop treating her like shit.” He gave me a puzzled expression and I realised he really didn’t have a clue. I sighed to myself what was I expecting he was a boy after all. “The other night, the night before, snapping at her when she asked if you wanted to come to mine.” I ticked them all of with a finger.
“Oh that” he said looking sheepish. “I didn’t mean to be a dick, I didn’t even realise I was, why what did Lily say?”
“it was not so much what she said as what she was doing, you made her very upset last night and it took me a while but I got it out of her, so what’s the deal, why you being like this, she is nothing but nice to you?”
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve been a little bit stressed lately what can I say, you’ve probably already guessed why.” He gestured to the little bundle that now lay asleep peacefully in his arms “I just don’t know how I feel about all of this.” His shoulders slumped in defeat. “I regret everything, Abbey, that day pushing you away, I should have come clean, I should have stepped up but I didn’t. Knowing that you’re out there with my son and another man looking after him, knowing that he will be called his dad that he will do things that I should be doing kills me. It’s been eating me up and then when Lily asked if I wanted to come over to see him I snapped, I am truly sorry for that and I know I need to apologise and I was till that crazy girl came over the other day when Lily was out and it freaked me out.”
“What crazy girl?” I asked uneasily my heart sinking.
“Tall, blonde, skinny. She came over here and was talking gibberish I had no idea who she was and was about to close the door and call the police as she kept demanding to see Lily and she wasn’t in, but then she said she knew, so I asked what she knew, and then she came out with all this stuff about me being Thomas’s father and that she was going to tell Lily. So I panicked and told her to fuck off that she didn’t know what she was talking about then slammed the door. Why, do you know her?”
“That’s Gretchen” I whispered feeling the colour drain from my face, hearing her threats in my mind. What was she planning to do next? “I have to go!” I stood up abruptly and held out my arms for Thomas, I needed to talk to Kalum now about this, stop something happening that could ruin the small piece of paradise I had built for myself.
“okay” he said reluctantly handing over Thomas and following me out to the corridor, watching as I placed him carefully in his pushchair, doing my best to not wake him up and then making my way to the door. “Don’t worry about Lily by the way I plan to get my shit together I won’t make the same mistake twice, but before you go can I ask you a favour?” his words stopped me just as my hand was on the door. “Can you bring Thomas over again I really want to see him, I mean I know I can’t be anything significant in his life, but I don’t want to be nothing you know?”
“We’ll see, I can’t make any promises at the moment as I have to go deal with this and I’ll have to discuss it with Kalum, but I promise I’ll think about it.” I said hurriedly before I exited the house and made my way to the car. I needed to get home, talk to Kalum and sort this shit out before it got even messier than it already was, I just hoped Kalum would understand why I had seen Alistair today and managed to stay calm.
YOU ARE READING
Her Dilemma
Romance'I fell in love with Alistair the first time I saw him. I fell in love with him first because of his eyes; they were blue and sparkled like sapphires. I fell in love with him next because of his laugh and smile; there was something about them that...
