Until I Chase No More

1

I never thought life would be this hard. You know, chasing someone who will never sees you as a woman.

Hindi naman talaga complicated ang buhay ko. Never in my entire life that my own family treated me dreadfully. Masaya din naman ang buhay ko kahit papaano. But then, I will never consider my life as totally complete knowing someone out there hold a grudge towards me. He's not just a 'someone' to me, he was once part of my life. He made me smile and made my days unforgettable.

Still, we couldn't predict the future. Well, perhaps we can create an assumption but we can't totally say na ganyan na nga ang mangyayari. Life is full of surprises. Surprises that could make you happy or could shatter your heart into pieces.

In my side, I could say that the later happened to be in my side for now. Life shattered me for years now. And still, I can't even find a courage to change my destiny.

"Are you done? Tapos ka ng magdrama?"

I was taken a back when I heard his cold voice again. Nanunuri ang tingin niya saakin at kahit sino, hindi gugustuhing marinig ang boses niya ngayon. Pero kahit na ganoon, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mapangiti dahil sa wakas, sa dinami-dami ng araw na inaabangan ko siya sa hallway, ngayon lang siya nagbitaw ng salita. He usually gave me disgusted faced or even bumped at me if he could.

Yun lang for the past 5 months.

"C-Can I talk to you in private, please?"

I pleaded that I sounded desperate. Hindi ko naman ipagkakaila na desperada na ako sa lagay na ito. I badly want to talk with him.

Ilang beses ko ring tinapik ang braso kong nanginginig dahil sa presensya niya.

"For what? We're more likely strangers by now. I don't need you and so your shitty explanations" I bowed my head out of embarrassment. Kahit na tahimik sa hallway at walang tao, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang hindi mapahiya.

Ilang minuto rin akong naka tulala sa sapatos ko kaya agad akong naalarma nang magsimulang maglakad papalayo si Hansel.

"Can you give me another chance na makabawi? Pwede bang kahit chance lang? Para mabawasan naman 'tong dinadala ko. Ang... ang bigat na kasi"

Ang sakit sa dibdib na marining ang sarili kong magmakaawa. Kahit ni isang luha, walang lumabas dahil sa takot na baka tuluyan na niya akong itaboy. He hates my tears. Not because he hates to see me crying. Ayaw lang niyang makita ang mga luha ko na 'peke' para sa kanya.

Huminga ako ng malalim dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman ko. God knows how much I want to cry na pinagbabawalan akong gawin.

If ever I could... Kung pwede lang...

"Chance? Did you hear yourself George? Ang chance ay para lang sa mga taong deserving! And in your case..." He looked at me intently that all I ever want is to vanish completely. "You deserve nothing. Or maybe, you deserve to carry those guilt up to your last breath"

I stayed silent as the pain slowly crushed me into pieces. Ayokong magsalita at lalong ayokong gumalaw. Masasaktan lang ako lalo kung magsasalita pa ako. Afterall, he never wanted me to say even a single word. He doesn't want to hear my side. That's it. Mamamatay akong may dala sa dibdib ko. Mamamatay akong hindi man lang napapatawad ng isa sa pinaka importanteng tao na naging parte ng nakaraan ko.

I want to hold him and beg to him if I could.

"Then I will prove you that I'm willing to do everything I could para lang mapatawad mo"

I said those words with an air of finality. Ayaw kong sumuko. Giving up is the least thing I would do. Wala na akong pride para makaramdam ng sakit sa ngayon. Kung mauubos man ako, sisiguraduhin kong ginawa ko ang lahat para makuha ko ulit ang loob niya. At least I tried.

The side of his lips rose up and turned his back at me again.

Tuluyan na siyang nawala sa paningin ko.

His act made me happy atleast, he didn't stop me or something.

"Are you going home?" My dad's secretary asked me. I just nodded as my response at nilinis ang table ko bago tumayo para umalis.

"Come on, It's friday! My friends invited me to the Club's X. Sheena's birthday"

Though she's my dad's secretary, I never distanced myself to her just because I don't want to associate with my dad that much. I just found out that she's different. So that's it, we became more than what I expected.

"I want to rest. You can go without me naman" I said with so much tiredness plastered allover my face kaya hindi nakatakas ang pagngiwi niya sa paningin ko.

"Umaarte ka na naman"

"I'm not!" Agad kong depensa nang matunugan ko na naman ang nakaka dala niyang boses na walang sino man ang makaka tanggi.

"Ayaw mo talaga?" Muling pamimilit niya kaya I kissed her right cheek to bid a goodbye. I opened the door and was about to leave when she hit my 'go' spot.

"Hansel's coming!" She's smirking from her seat. Ugh! Hindi pa sinabi agad. Muntik ko pang sayangin ang pagkakataong makasama sa iisang event si Hansel.

"Prepare my invitation card. I'll pick you up at 9:00. Don't make me wait or else iiwan talaga kita" Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata at tinuro gamit ang ballpen na hawak-hawak ko hanggang ngayon. She doesn't have car so ako nalang ang susundo sa kanya. Minsan ako ang naghahatid sa kanya pauwi kung overtime siya sa trabaho. You know these days, delikado na kapag babyahe ka pa ng dis oras ng gabi especially if you're alone. I can't risk her.

"Pag Hansel talaga ang usapan g na g ka ano?" Inirapan ko nalang siya kasi totoo naman.

"I can drive you home if you're up to go now" I offered. "Wala naman akong ibang dadaanan" I added looking at my wrist watch.

"Mauna ka na. Matt will be my driver this time" umismid ako sa huling sinabi niya. Seriously, driver? Is she treating me as her driver also?

"Whatever!" I rolled my eyes and head up to ground floor.

Walang tao masyado sa elevator kasi kanina pa ang out ng mga empleyado dito. Ang ilan, they stayed for overtime. Some of them are now holding coffee to make themselves up for another hour

The whole damn building is quite. I can stay here if I want but then I really need to go home.

I'm playing a song in my mind while grabbing my car keys.

Huli ko na napansin na bangga na pala ako sa isang matigas na bagay.

"Damn this day! What the hell? Weren't you looking at your--" I was about to continue my sentence when I realize that Hansel's infront of me.

Agad kong itinikom ang bibig ko dahil sa takot pati na rin sa kahihiyan. I just yelled at him na hindi ko dapat ginawa.

"You're the one who bumped at me. Don't act as victim again. Nakaka umay"

Lalo akong yumuko nang maramdaman ko ang hinanakit sa boses niya. He said those words as if he gathered all his strength to finally release it.

And that's painful. Parang kanina ang saya ko pa dahil nagkausap kami kahit saglit. And now? Parang binawi.

I can't name what I feel right now. Tiredness mixed with pain.

Damn this day!

"I'm sorry"

Huminga ako ng malalim to compose myself. I've had enough for today.

He just ignored me ang drove his car away. Ilang minuto rin akong nakatayo habang tinatanaw ang kotse niyang hindi na maabot sa paningin ko.

I know someday I would still gain his trust again. I know I can.

This day sucked!