Confessions

one

I am not afraid of death itself
I am afraid of what's to come after that
I'm afraid of no longer seeing my loved ones
No longer talking to them
Hugging them
Laughing with them
And teasing them
I'm afraid of no longer bickering
with my twin brother
Of not dancing to music like
sillies together
Of not biting each other's
heads off
Of not cooking together behind
our mother's back
Of not playing with our dog
together
Of not going on and about
everything together
I'm afraid of no longer kissing
my mother goodnight
Of not staying up late watching
old movies together
Of not chatting about
everything and nothing
I'm afraid of not seeing her smile
Her kind ,motherly,
bittersweet smile at me
Everytime she sees me
Even when she's angry at me
and we don't talk
I'm afraid of not having my older
brother's protection anymore
Of not lending him money when
he secretly comes asking for it
Of not sharing my clothes
with him like I used to
Of not sharing stupid jokes together
I'm afraid of not
riding to university with
my father anymore
Of not having him buy me
anything my heart desires
anytime
Of not having the comfort of
seeing him return home
from work, unharmed
I'm afraid of not going to
grandma's anymore
Of not being fed until full
Of not bearing my heart open to her
Of not taking her places or
having her
Braid my hair like the little girl
I still am
I'm afraid of not being able to
Sit down with them one last time
And memorise their details to heart
I'm afraid of no longer seeing
the sunrise
Of no longer seeing the sunset
I'm afraid of not seeing the cloudy skies
Of not seeing the sunny skies
Of the rain not touching me again
Of the wind not playing with my hair
Of not seeing the beach, the waves and the birds
Of not ruffling toddlers soft hair
Of not going on car rides
and new adventures with
my friends anymore
Of not looking at the stars and the moon at night one more time
But most of all
I'm afraid of being forgotten
Like I never were
I'm afraid of how's everything's going to be like
Once Im gone
Of who my twin brother is to
dance with like sillies to music
Of who's head he's going to
bite off
Of who's he going to cook with
behind our mother's back
Of who's he going to walk the dog with
Of who's he going to go on and about with
I'm terrified of what's to come of my mother
Who's going to kiss her goodnight?
Who's she going to stay up late
with watching old movies?
Who's she to chat with about everything and nothing?
Who's to understand and comfort her in times Of need?

Im not afraid of neither death
Nor oblivion
As much as I'm afraid I'm no longer
Going to be with my family
For solitude is not something
Made for human beings
For loneliness is something that belongs not to us
As much as it does
everything else
I have not loved in vain
To lose them all in a blink of an eye
Tell me, do I love for those who I love
To leave them?
Do I love them
To have them leave me?

How does life go on?
How does death?

I am not afraid of death
It is what comes after, that pains me.