The End Of My World

Bones and Maggots

People used to argue about the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs. To that it was just a battle of religion so I always refused to get involved. People would be talking about what happened now, but their God has left them to bite the dust, while it picked me to live on for them and eventually rot alone. I could pick up charred remnants of whatever's lying around, not knowing if it is a person, or if it's the deads belongings. I wouldn't feel right about that though. There's something sinister about it to me, not that morals matter anymore, but I'll continue doing me. I have things I need to do, but I have not a clue on how to progress here. I wrote abstract poetry to get me by in the depressing before times so this is about all I know. Writing. I was never even any good, but here I am, writing again.

 I used to hate the thought of religion as I always associated it with death. Life is death, why should religion also be? Death never slipped from my mind though. I tried to distract myself, I thought if I kept thinking I'd waste the only years I had. I knew though, I knew I'd be at my time before I thought possible. That it would just teleport me there. My view on death got less selfish over the years and I was always spacing out to when I'd be visiting a funeral and who's it might be. At the ripe age of 17 I had found it came much sooner than expected. Ashes in an urn, surroundings painful, and faces that would not look my way. People that wouldn't speak. The friendships that happen in private die in private. We take our lives to ease the burden of living, assuming that the hardest part of death is the thought. I tried a long time to work up the courage myself, but in the end I disregarded everyone else. A fitting punishment for my years of sin. Even though I'd rather it not be this way, I can't help but to feel as if this is the way it should be. Still, I curse the God that never gave my niece the chance to blossom. To punish my sister for so long and take away the star she gave all of us.  All grown and alone. Yeah, that's me. 

I was careful to not look too long at anything but the sky. The stars the would inhabit the above, are absent and will never be shown to anyone again. The air is misty with the smoke you'd get from debris falling. The light is embers of the fallen, the light that will never fade just so the reminder can torture me. It's not hot, it's not cold, anything like that would take your mind off from everything else. I forget sometimes if I'm wearing clothes. I have thoughts so speedy that I can never sit still. I'm always on the verge of unconsciousness, yet never tired. The kind that gives you confidence to lay down, but also the kind to prove you wrong and knock you out. I used to get it a lot. Along with the false enthusiasm. This time, everything is both as it should and should not be. The energy is bouncing my head, the throbbing from my thoughts does not distract from the head of mine which wobbles constantly. I think I want to talk about it now.

The days used to be as ordinary as ever, to me of course. I'd do nothing and try to decide if I was desperate enough to feign some false confidence to somebody equally as desperate. I passed the time wondering how it'd be if I was talented or lucky and how that might turn out for me. Occasionally yet often, I would daydream about the different ways I could die and how people might react after or how I could make it flashy. Enough of that. Anyway, I lived with my father, he was a whiner and I was bad at keeping jobs. I had a daughter in a way, yeah I was a pet dad. She'd give me the sad puppy dog eyes anytime I was down so I'd usually sleep off the mood. Well that day I had been using my hangly dangly I stored in my closet. That's the cute way I call my makeshift noose. I locked her out because she'd distract me. Then I just let it take me for awhile. The confusion was hard to deal with so it was next to impossible to follow through without fully going for it. I tried to make it seem like I was just sleeping, but my brain knew better. During the last bit of confusion I had, I heard noises.My vision had been shaky, but I felt the vibrations. The noises were indescribable. Still I'll try. The loudest and mos high-pitched humming combined with the sound of a plane that's both a hundred times bigger and closer than it should be. That's the best I can do. I remember nothing else except for waking up. Ashes still aflame falling down on my dry skin. I had blood around my eyes, broken fingernails, broken toes, and skin white as ever, in which I first noticed on my finger tips. My throat had been sore, bruised, cut. When the panic started to fade after many many minutes, I noticed all the surrounding houses, building, were just gone. The only thing marking where they were was outlines and deep holes. One of those holes I climbed out of, another I peeked in. The burned dirt mixed well enough with the charred remains of my father for me not to notice at first. That was the last hole I would look in. 

I missed something. I missed it before, I missed it after. I almost forgot when the ticking started and when it stopped. I left out an important detail, I think. I could still smell the decay. I could still see the flies and maggots that started burrowing into the ground. Every few minutes they'd burst out. I wasn't sure at first, but I could recognize the sounds they made and when embers fell I caught the clearest glimpses at my only neighbors. In my house I had grown accustomed to them living, out here I had not. The dead things in my yard I never got to bury, their containers oozed. The smell was inescapable and the bugs are becoming more prominent. They're waiting to feast on me. They may not wait. The dominant species here is certain, but soon to be as absent as everything else. I don't think there's a way for me to withstand this. Every second the realization sets in further. I think I'll share one last cigarette with my father. Or off of him. The things I write and think now, I have come to realize how they'll never be known. Truly in this world, in this death, I am all alone.