it's monday. i just woke up like twenty minutes ago. i'm exhausted. i had a doctors appointment on thursday. they told me i'm about 14 pounds from 300. i don't look that big but i guess i am. i'm pretty disappointed in myself.
this morning i woke up thinking about how my mom yelled at me as soon as we drove away from the doctors office. i thought about how she said that she didn't care what i did with my body anymore and that if i wanted to be a diabetic that i could. i thought about how she said that if i wanted to kill myself that i could do it when i was 18 and out of her house. i thought about how she said i was just gonna turn out like my "loser dad".
she claims to have never made me feel bad about my weight, but why is it that every time we come back from the doctors and i've gained a little (or a lot depending on how i was treating myself) i get yelled at and withheld from all of the fun and sweet things everyone else gets to take part in? getting called fat or a big girl is the least of my problems.
i haven't been doing well in anything lately. school included. i've even ignored my friends sometimes and i absolutely a d o r e my friends. i haven't been motivated to do anything. the only thing i do is play video games and eat. and i don't even want to do that sometimes.
i've been "glitching" a lot lately. i glitch the most when i'm in a lot of stress. my "glitch" is basically always forgetting things. so when i wake up randomly in my bed and i have no idea when i fell asleep. or when i'm doing something and in the middle of it i completely forget what i was doing.
while i'm dealing with all this stupid shit, my three closest friends are there for me. Trenadee, Gabby, and David have all been there for me even when i ignore them, even when i'm being inconsiderate, even when i start to glitch. they are my motivation.
it's sad that i look for motivation through my friends and not my family. my friends are the only people that tell me they believe in me. i don't even remember the last time i've heard anyone in my family say that to me. i don't remember the last time i was in a positive environment.
if i lose a ton of weight and i get all my grades up, it's gonna be because of my friends. and when i'm 18, me and my friends are all gonna move to japan. i wonder what my families gonna do. i wonder if they'll try to call me and try to get me back. they can try as hard as they want. i'm not coming back. if they wanted me to stay in the first place they should've treated me better.
