I AM EUGENE

4000 suicides so far. Five of those I knew, two of them I loved. I'm no one special, just your average 17-year-old boy with a plan to change these stats, better the quality of life for everyone by living in their brain for a while. This isn't a narcissistic 'I want to control the world' plan, this is an 'I must help people see the beauty in life and living' plan. My mother always told me; "remember Eugene, you never know what happens behind closed doors". I believe we should treat everyone as if we did know what happened behind closed doors, and not just the literal ones the figurative ones of our mind too.

I'm sitting on the pink and meaty surface of Cara's brain, under the single light shining in the consuming darkness. Listening, noting every lie she tells herself over and over again.

|stupid|useless|good for nothing piece of shit|stupid|

I saunter over to look through the windows of her eyes and see her in front of the mirror. Her hands run over her collarbones, pinching and pulling at her stomach, tracing her ribs, and I whisper,

|beautiful|caring|smart|worthy of love|beautiful|

For a split second the corner of her lips twitch a small smile as my words make their way through her bloodstream, filling her with love and acceptance. Just as quickly as a blink though her smile fades, knees buckle to the tiled floor and my windows close. I lean a hand by one window and bow my head in defeat.

Cara and I have a sleepless night. She tosses and turns for hours on end and I pace around the surface of her subconscious. There's a small girl in the corner just opposite me, she's crying out for Cara. I ask her whats wrong but she doesn't seem to hear me over her sobs. "I can help you, tell me whats wrong" I say but when I step towards her a burning ring surrounds the little girl causing me to jump back. Her cries intensify and I slouch by my windows whispering,

|I'm here|I'm here|I'm here|I can help|

The smoke burns my lungs and makes my eyes water. Cara thrashes around in her bed, throwing pillows and sheets, tugging at her blond locks. Pain alerts sound in her subconscious throwing memories and trauma around at the same rate as Cara's breakdown. The piercing cries from inside the ring of fire cut through my soul and I need to dial down this situation any way I can. Before I can connect my thoughts to my body my feet carry me straight towards the fire, pushing through, praying I get to the little girl before I char myself to death.

|I'm coming|together we shall persevere|

The small girl has her head in her knees, white knuckles covering her shins. Heat from the fire caresses my back making me sweat and I reach a hand forward to gently touch her sock covered foot. "My name is Eugene, whats yours?" Her tiny head lifts, draping blond locks over her face, "Cara" she whispers and I retract my hand. It's at this moment, being so close to Cara as a small child that I wonder,

|have I made a huge mistake?|

Cara's younger self stands up, barely reaching the height of the burning flames that encompass us. A tiny hand reached forward, asking for my compliance. Her touch is cold and delicate as she guides me through the ring of fire. A collage of memories flood the small space, memories from a long time ago, memories from before I ever knew Cara.

Coldness shifts from my hands to my ankles, I glance down and see small Cara crouched on the ground, shielding herself from the memories.

|look Eugene|look|look Eugene|

With every repetition of the words her voice gets louder, more panicked and I find myself watching Cara's lifelong secrets unfold before my very eyes.