BAD BOY ABUSED (male pov)

#66 I'm different.

We decided to play along and order food from the menu that we had never tasted before, except I ordered Gnocchi which is basically pasta, tomato and mozzarella and she ordered Lamperdotto which is a cow's stomach. I tried to warn her not to but instead she seen it as a challenge and now she has her game face on ready to prove my doubts wrong. I love this girl.

"So you ready to start with these 'hard topics' or me?" I asked sarcastically pointing out that these topics were not hard at all.

"I've never had a boyfriend, the closest I've come to one is dating Ben for two months and that was all fake." She said through gritted teeth.

Maybe these topics were a little hard because I hated her mentioning Ben. Watching them together for two months was one of the hardest moments in my life and I've been through my fair share of hard moments. Pretending it didn't bother me added to the pile of things weighing me down. I hated him, I hated her and I hated myself. Then it ended abruptly in the cruelest way and all of that self torture was for nothing. But there was one thing I needed to know, from her mouth not just his.

"How far did you go with him?" I could feel a whole whirlpool of jealousy erupting from my stomach and it was traveling to my heart ready to shatter it to pieces. My mind kept repeating 'don't react, don't react, don't react' as I prepared myself for her next words. And I watched as her body tensed and her cheeks flushed before my eyes. Obviously Ben was telling the truth, they got to third base or possibly even further. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and straightened myself up. "That bad, huh?" I asked, not wanting to know the answer.

"We didn't go far. We kissed, not even properly." I felt my whole body drape down as all of my tensed muscles relaxed and I believe I even let out a sigh of relief. "Not like us" She continued "One day he copped a little feel of my boobs, just over the clothes but I pushed his hand away and told him to get off. He didn't try it again."

So he lied. What a jackass.

I could feel the blood inside my body heating up like a bag of popcorn in the microwave and I was honestly about to blow up. I always had my doubts about Ben's story and she sat there sipping on her water she had no idea the lies he told.

"He told us he went a lot further than that with you." She started coughing a spluttering as her water didn't quite make it down the right tunnel. "Jesus Liv, take smaller sips." I said as I handed her a napkin.

"What did he tell you?" She sounded really alarmed like she couldn't bare anyone think that she had done something beyond kissing and then I remembered back to the time she railroaded me for the rumour going around that we hooked up. Her virginity is obviously very important to her, maybe she's religious.

"Third base." I said casually, trying to play down the whole situation so Ben didn't dampen the spirits of our date. I'll deal with him later.

"You thought I went to third base with Ben?" She looked both disgusted and horrified. She's definitely religious.

"I always had my doubts. Ben's a pig." I admitted then I couldn't stop myself asking the million dollar question. "So your virginity, you like religious or something?"

"No I'm not religious. It just didn't happen, the only person it could of happened with was Ben and even I knew at the time it didn't feel right and I didn't trust him. I'm not holding onto my virginity like it's some sacred thing, I'm ready so when the time is right I'll have sex."

As the words rolled off her tongue my fear started letting small hints of darkness back in.Last night she said she was ready, she wanted to have sex but I thought that was the alcohol talking. Now she's sober and telling me the same thing. For some reason her holding onto her virginity felt safer to me but knowing that she's willing to give it away made everything scarier.

"Yeah, you said last night you were ready." I muttered quietly.

I can't count the amount of girls I've been with but I've never had feelings for a single one of them. I'm not scared of the physical act of sex I'm scared of the feelings and emotions that come with it. I'm scared of the intimacy and closeness. I'm scared of the vulnerability.

What if I can't give Olivia what she wants?

Will she give her virginity to someone else?

Will she think I'm weak if I can't do it?

Will I ruin the mood if I try?

The waiter approached our table and placed two dishes of food in front of us, mine looked delicious but hers looked like a slop of goo drowning in gravy. I couldn't bite back my smile as she tried hard to hide her budding disappointment. Without tucking into my dish I sat and waited for her to taste her own.

Gingerly she dunked some of her bread roll into the gravy and scooped up some meat, hesitating in front of her lips for a few seconds while she built up the willpower to put it in her mouth. She screwed her eyes closed so tightly it caused little wrinkles to appear in the outer corners and then she threw the poison into her mouth, keeping her eyes closed the whole time as if it was an effort to make the taste disappear.

Between a vulgar look of distaste and disgust I heard a strong gulp. She opened her eyes letting the relief wash over her that the cow stomach was no longer in her mouth. A giggle escaped my lips and I quickly put my fingers over my mouth to muffle the sound. Her game face returned.

"It wasn't bad. Quite nice actually." She raised her eyebrows at me and with a challenging expression she dunked the bread roll in again.

"You know you just ate the insides of a cow's stomach, don't you?"

The amusement was evident in my voice and it only grew when she threw down the bread roll and covered her mouth with a powerful sense of regret. Through my laughter I pushed my bowl to the center of the table and handed her a fork and over the delicious meal we shared I continued our conversation from before, changing to talk about me instead of her virginity which I wanted to steer clear of for a little while longer.

"I don't know my body count, I lost my virginity at fourteen. Since then I've pretty much had a different girl every weekend, sometimes even through the week as well. The number is high and I'm ashamed of it but it was the only way I knew how to cope."

I don't know if she would draw the dots between sexual abuse and hypersexuality but I wanted to keep things light between us so I didn't mention why I was like that.

"I figured as much, you know I saw you once. With Ruby in the principal's office, it's a long story but I was basically in the supply closet."

I think an equal mix of confusion and regret crossed my face. I don't know how I felt about her watching me. Whenever I've been with those girls it's always been at my darkest point, wanting the release. I have no care for them and it shows, is that what Olivia is expecting when we eventually do end up having sex?

"You saw me?" I questioned, feeling a little violated and embarrassed.

"I didn't watch but I was there, yes."

"And you didn't think to come out and stop us before we did that?"

"You were intimidating and the whole thing was just weird, I understand it now but back then I just felt sorry for Ruby."

"I was intimidating to you because I liked you and that scared me so I rebelled. It must of been bad if you felt sorry for Ruby." I still felt a little uneasy about her seeing that but I decided to move past it. "So girlfriends, you already know I've only had one and that lasted six hours. Truth is, I've never wanted one, until now."

She reached over and held my hand across the table, gently tracing my skin in little circular motions.

"Shall we see where we're going next?" I asked reaching into my pocket and pulling out envelope number two.