"Where would the world be without all the suffering and pain? How am I supposed to make a difference if no one cares about what I do? Can there be happiness without companionship?"
These were the thoughts running through my head as I sat in my room, trying to find meaning in life.
Before we get too far, lets start from the beginning.
"Hi, I'm ____. I'm a sophomore in college and I have no idea what I'm aiming for."
"I've lived a fairly normal life. I'm a youngest/middle child. My parents met in high school and married young. They had my sister, then my brother almost two years later. A year and a half after that I was born and they decided that they didn't want to be together anymore. They divorced shortly after I was born and my siblings blame me for the whole thing. 'It was the perfect family without you.' 'You weren't supposed to be born.' What made matters worse was that our mom didn't even fight for custody and gave birth to my younger brother two and a half years after me. She was married shorty after and had my younger sister a little over two years later."
"I was born a complicated child. There was a C-section and all anyone has to say about me was that I was a fussy child and still am. My dad bought a house in a small town to move away from my mom. He brought us over after a month. He tore his shoulder taking care of me. I grew dependent on my thumb for whatever reason they didn't use a pacifier on me. I still have the habit and no one likes it. One day my sister decided I needed a bath and poured shampoo in my crib. When I was nine months old my dad remarried."
"I didn't potty train until I was four. I had a best friend growing up that died after my fourth birthday. I haven't kept a friend since. My sister was in charge of fixing my lunch for school and one day in first grade I only had a pack of gum, because she forgot and throw it in at the last minute. I had to eat school lunch that day, I haven't had school lunch since. I got in trouble and my teacher called my step mom, who worked at the school."
"We would have visiting weekends with my mom and her family, but I never felt wanted there. I was the middle child there and often went unheard. My younger sister idolized me, I don't know why. She would want to do whatever I was doing, I feel like I only taught her bad habits."
"In second grade, I joined the advanced choir with my older sister. I lost a friend that I thought was my best friend. I was told that I was smarter than others and I should do better. I was baptized in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was bullied for the first time that I remember, by the secretary's daughter."
"In third grade, I did the family friend's eldest daughter's homework. Which was Algebra 2. I thought it was easy. In forth grade, my teacher tried to get me out of my shell that I solidified in second grade. I was called weird, because when I'm thinking I stare into space. The space I was staring at just happened to be over someone's head and they thought that I was starring at them."
"In fifth grade, my teacher loved coffee and we did a lot of art. I found a new friend, that I thought would be my best friend forever. I saw a tuba and decided that I wanted to play that. I would switch lunches with my new friend. During the summer I did color guard for the junior band with my brother, my sister played trombone in the band."
"In sixth grade, I joined band with my friend. They played saxophone and I was told I was too small for the tuba. I started playing Euphonium. I was signed up for a early morning math class type thing, because people thought I was smart. My friend ditched me during solos and ensembles, we were supposed to play a duet together. They quite band and moved the following year. My church split wards and stakes. I didn't know anyone in the new one and stopped going."
"In seventh grade, I was in junior high and I had no one I knew. My siblings were in high school and my mom was an elementary para educator. I was alone. I became the kid who walks to class super fast and was always reading in class. I took honors classes, because I was told I was smart. I made new friends, I guess. We ate lunch together and basically raced to class, because we had the same classes. We'd group together sometimes. Our project in woodshop was destroyed and we had to start over."
