If love feels like this then why love?

The email.

The boy in my class had always been interesting to me, around friends I pretend to hate him, but deep down he was always weighing me down with his very existence. I had always had depression but he made the huge hole in my heart feel not empty, but to full; all the other girls like him, so I didn't want to go with the crowd. He made me feel weak where I had always felt strong, he could call me some of the most horrible names and I would still feel the need to love him. I used him as my beta fake straight crush earlier in the years, saying to my friends "oh yeah, I have a huge crush on him", but during that time, I didn't love him, he was just to cover my homosexuality.  When I had finally made him laugh and talk to me the first time, my stomach filled with feelings that i had faked and unsure how to act on, but now they were real and they hurt more than any punch. he made me feel not good enough, that my only emotion had to be happiness. I was content on fitting HIS type, HIS standers, starving myself so i could be skinnier, making my breast and ass appear bigger in hope he liked thicker girls, I embraced some features of myself that I had dysphoria over. I was willing to give up being the thing that made me happiest, being gender-fluid, I was willing to give up my pronouns, my new name that made me feel good, my girlfriend, all for him.  I barley knew who he was outside of our brothers knowing one and other, me poised my waking days, on trips in the car, thinking of ways to please him were all I thought about. So I sent him a email, because loving him hurt me too much. The email titled "stop" and it said:"i need to stop thinking about you, its murdering me, and slowly eating at my health. JUST STOP BEING PERFECT! i dont want to feel for you like i do anymore, just give me a reason to let go of you. I DON"T KNOW MAKE IT STOP. YOU DID THIS TO ME, I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS, PRESSED UP TO YOUR CHEST, FEEL YOUR HEART BEAT, BUT IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THAT! I WANT YOU TO BE MINE, I MIGHT NOT BE PERFECT AND YOU ARE BUT YOU HAVE POISED MY WAKING DAYS, YOU ARE WHAT I THINK ABOUT AND I WANT TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! TELL ME YOUR GAY OR SOMETHING SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME I CANT LOVE YOU ANYMORE, BECAUSE THIS HURTS TO MUCH. I JUST MET YOU, I NEVER KNEW YOU BUT NOW THAT I KNOW PIECES OF YOU IT MAKES ME DRAWN TO YOU. IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU I KNOW THAT. BUT PLEASE JUST TELL ME SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE ME STOP LOVING YOU." I typed every word onto that page quickly not looking back, because that that what hurt me, all the pain and tears on that page. He made me hate each part of myself, for not fitting the standers of him.