Ambivalence (for fanboys!:)*gay

Inception

Hello! My name is Y/N and I'm a 16 year old bi-sexual-kinda-gay teenage boy who will be debuting in this new Kpop group called StarZ as the maknae and our fandom will be named Astrologists. Our group consists of 12 members and me. Their names are : Beom-Seok, Chan-Woo, Eun-Sang, Ha-Joon(leader), Hyun-Seok, Jae-Hyuk(eldest), Ji-Hwan, Kwang-Sik, Oh-Seong, Myung-Yong, Seo-Jun and me(maknae)! My hyungs gave me a nickname 'baby' cuz they said that my habits resemble a cute baby boy and I love it! Most of our stage names were our names' first letters. I was the one who decided this because it can mean something like our group is a rare bunch of stars and astrologists, as in the fans, have found us and are waiting and discovering all what we hold and making a bunch of theories about how we came into existence and something like that. We were taking turns to film a v-live every week but I have this thing, that if I start doing something and I like it, it will be hard for me to let go of it. So I secretly film v-lives and the end of every night and unwrap a few toys like the key opening box ones and collect mini charms. You must be thinking, "omg! A boy and toys?!". Well face it, I find them really cute and their the only things that keeps me distracted from.......from......uh.........And y-y-yeah! That's my introduction. Over and out! :)
The Next Day
As usual, I had to get up for my daily practice along with the hyungs but I'm not complaining because I love being around them cuz they show me so much love and affection. A few of my hyungs have been friends with NCT and GOT7 members and still are, so we hangout in secret when we get time, and its so fun! Especially when I am the maknae, everyone just cooes over how cute I am and that I deserve the whole world and I LOVE IT! But.....there's this hyung who isn't quite happy and gets trustfrated quite a lot and we call him by his stage name, KS, but me and the others try to make him happy. But then recently I had a hunch for the reason he is so tensed and angry, was because we were not becoming famous. I mean we didn't expect to famous right after our debut song released. But I guess hyung had more expectations. I tried to get him to smile but he just wouldn't, but then one day when we both were alone, he got so frustrated at something related to his home, so then the thought hit me that maybe he had been frustrated due to some problems back at home. But without knowing he had slapped me. And then he started hurting me and punched me more. At first it hurt so much that I wanted to cry, but then I realized that maybe if hyung vented out his frustration on something, then one day he will return back to his normal state. So I sobbed softly when he was done and then went to the washroom to clean myself up. When I came in and looked at the mirror, I just couldn't help but sob at my current state, but I smiled while doing so because I was hurting myself for someone else's wellbeing. Keeping that positive thought in mind, I cleaned up and wore a mask because my lips were slightly bleeding on the side. But ever since we made our debut it has been a little hard on the hyungs. Especially me because my manager appointed a male trainer for me to do exercises everyday and be fit, but little did he know the trainers' behavior. His name Yoo-Sta-Da but people call him Strandrew, maybe his oh-so-creative parents slapped the two names Andrew and Stephen together and came up with Standrew just because they were good and foreign names. He would abuse me if I even goofed around a little bit only when we were alone. I just liked goofing around and making everyone smile. The next day when I went to the trainer:
Y/N: Excuse me, but I don't think you should be abusing me for little things that I do. That too when they aren't wrong at all.
Trainer: you should be well trained and polite and decent in manner so you can have a better reputation! And how dare you stop me from training you?!
Y/N: but people will love me even more if I just be myself! You know, goofing around and being a little lazy won't hurt.
Trainer: you are just too spoiled I guess! Didn't your parents teach u any manners!
Y/N: *annoyed MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME EVRY SINGLE MANNER, SO DONT JUST FUCKING GO ON ABOUT AND TALK SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES PARENTS! Unlike yours who even thought of putting you back in the fucking trash from where you were found! But looks like they didn't, otherwise somebody would have seen them and complained to the police and they would have been in jail! And if you don't fucking stop your shit right now, I will have to complain to my manager about you and your fucked up behavior or else bruise you so bad that you will be afraid to be born again!
Trainer: even if u try to bruise me THAT bad, I can just make you the most hated one in the group.
Y/N: H-H-How?
Trainer: Well I have this button camera on my buttoned shirt so whenever I want to, I can fix it onto my button and record you if u try to abuse me and then make it public. Nobody can even notice the camera.
When he told me that I would be the most hated, I got really scared. Well because I didn't want to be hated at and instead be loved at by the fans. But what I had said were only words. I mean I could actually do that but ever since I was little I have had mercy for every little thing. Even if the person bruises me badly, I let go thinking that some day that person will become good. And so after I said that.......obviously, he bruised so bad that I had to even wear my mask whenever I was with my hyungs and wear full clothes too. And so just like that a week or two went by with all that bruising but now I'm kinda used to it so I'd only whimper a little in pain or sob.
Chan-Woo Hyungs P.O.V.
Y/N was acting a bit strange and me and the boys didn't like it. Before he used to hug everyone and give us pecks on our cheeks for almost every time and just smile whenever we make eye contact. He did hug, smile and peck us, but with a little less energy than usually. We tried to talk to him and ask him anything was wrong but he just start laughing a little and hug us and change the topic. So me and the boys decided to bring Johnny(NCT) and Jackson(GOT7) to our dorm and take care of him for the day while we go out.
C-Woo: *on the phone Hello, hyung?
Jackson: yes woonie?
C-Woo: I just wanted to ask if you're free today, because lately Y/N has been looking sorta depressed. But when we try to get him to talk and tell what's going on he just tries to change the subject and then we end up watching his favorite cartoons.
Jackson: Oh, okay. Is it bad?
C-Woo: I'm not sure but you and Johnny hyung can come here and like babysit him while we will just go out for grocery shopping and stuff, and also since he adores you both a little more than the others I'm thinking he might open up to you. If you both are free.
Jackson: I'm free today afternoon onwards and I'll check with Johnny too. In the meantime try asking him about any mental disorders or something like that if he had since childhood. Maybe we can get a clue.
C-Woo: sure hyung I'll try that. Thanks again hyung!
Jackson: No probs Woonie! Besides Y/N is like our rarest baby boy ever and u except me to not do anything? Lol, anyways bye and keep safe!
C-Woo: You too hyung! *call ends
I ended the call and then went to Y/N and saw him lying on his bed w/ his headphones. That kid just loves his music, he doesn't even mind if it's too loud. Anyways, I went up to him and tapped him slightly on his shoulder, and he woke up almost immediately and then giving me his cutest smile, pecked me on my lips. U might say this is a bit gay, but I call this love. Maybe a liiiitle gay.
Y/N: *gives another soft peck hey hyung! What brings u here?
C-Woo: *ruffling his hair softly Nothing much but I just wanted to ask you if u had any relation with mental disorders or any disorders you had in your childhood or family?
Y/N: *comes slightly closer to ear Hyung, promise me u wouldn't tell anyone okie?
C-Woo: okie.
Y/N: *still whispering when I was about 11 years old, I realized that I had depression. I kept having suicidal thoughts just because of a little chubbiness on my body. Even the body hair, so I always thought I was the most ugliest person in the whole world. Once or twice a month I would poke myself with a needle, but to my dismay, no blood came. It just showed how scared I was and then I stopped doing it. But then one day, while I was playing on my iPad, I didn't notice that the side of he cover was a little opened, revealing the sharp metal the tab had inside of it. But while I was playing, my thumb finger accidentally crossed that part giving me medium sized cut on the side of my thumb. That was the first time I saw blood in real life, and not to mention it looked very pretty. The dark tint of maroon-ish red shade in the blood was the central beauty of it. I quickly took a tissue and wiped the blood off of my thumb and iPad and then put a bandage on my thumb. But I literally wanted to see it again. One day, one of my classmates introduced me to a boy band named BTS. She and a few other girls were armies. Ever since I started stanning them, my suicidal thoughts started to lower and my depression went away completely. It was like magic. And from that day onwards I started loving Kpop and it's Korean culture and it's people and it's fashion trend, literally everything! And that made me become a Kpop idol, because I realized I could sing on any tempo, be it high pitch or low pitch, my friends always praised my voice. But since I had acne and hair, my depression came back but only a little. After that I started becoming interested in mental disorders and all, so I began researching about them and even found out about disorders I never knew I had. It turned out to be that I had anxiety, school anxiety, social anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, explosive anger disorder and many more! I even hated it when the moral science classes in school talked about being optimistic is good and being pessimistic is bad as if it's a crime to think negatively. And ever since I noticed all that, I started hating everyone in school except the ones who I knew were armies or multi stans. And for some reason I felt like I had a split personality too, cuz whenever I look in the mirror I just talk to it. You know, just like how "Eternally-TXT" changes from its cute and innocent side to sexy and evil side in a matter of seconds. I just love it.
C-Woo: woah! Like out of instinct?
Y/N: ye, out of like a built in instinct. It felt creepy but at the same time I loved it. And then I started becoming a vampire. Not literally, like, I hated the light and my eyes squinted or my head started hurting, and once I got such a bad migraine, the light just worsened it so much more that I was actually crying. I felt like I belonged to the dark. I just loved the feeling and then I started liking....ummmmm...I think I shouldn't say it and anyways I have spoken for a long time hyung. Lol. Once I start about disorders and my childhood, I never stop.
C-Woo: lol, not that much but just say that last sentence u finished half way.
Y/N: *ears and face become a flushed color I-I-I started liking or loving....u know.......gay stuff and all......a-a-and then I-I-I realized I was bi-sexual b-b-but a little more to the g-g-gay side. *suddenly buries head in pillows
C-woo: *becomes a little flustered, scratches neck oh, o-o-okay. S-S-Sorry if I made u feel uncomfortable or anything. Lol *confused lol and laugh O-O-Ok, then I'll get going. Peace out! *sprints out due to the heat between them
When I reached outside, it felt like I could finally breathe. Not that I was tired of listening to him, it's just that it was too hot in the room. Don't ya think?? Here's a little secret: I'm actually a little gay for Y/N and I told the other members about it and they too confessed that they were a little gay for him, and I don't mind sharing him with my hyungs. But little did poor Y/N-ie know that I was actually recording all what he was saying cuz I wanted Jackson hyung to hear it. Sorry my Y/N-ie, but I had to figure it out and tell Jackson and Johnny hyung to cure you from ur love for disorders. And even though I was straight, being with Y/N made me a little gay for him. Anyways, I texted Jackson hyung and sent him the recording. I was anticipating for his reaction for some reason. Especially about the last part.........