Living Again

Living Again~ Twenty-Five

 CHAPTER 25

I replied to her SMS saying 'sure' then went downstairs for breakfast. I really did need someone to talk to and Brianna was the only person I trusted with what was on my mind. Or at least the only one who would understand what was going on because she knew Ethan better than I did. Of course I could talk to Katelyn since she's my best friend but then I'll have to explain everything from the beginning. I'm guessing Brianna already knows what happened last night, she must have noticed us leaving early from Tyler's party. 

I had just entered the kitchen when my doorbell rang. This girl was fast! She was probably on her way here before even asking me whether she could come over.

I opened the door.

"Hey Bri, come in!" I said in a cheerful voice. She narrowed her eyes then stepped in without a word. "You want something to eat? I was just making myself breakfast."

"Sure." she replied, shrugging. I could feel her gaze on me as i clumsily spread some jam on toast and I knew I must look like a mess. But I was still determined to act like nothing was wrong... For now. 

We ate in silence. She didn't speak and I was afraid in I say something my voice will crack and I'll start crying. Ethan hates me now. Or at least doesn't love me as much as he did. I hurt him, I hate myself. 

Once we were done eating I went up to my room and she followed, we couldn't avoid this forever. We needed to talk about the stupid thing I did. We sat on the bed resting our backs against the headboard. I waited for her to break the silence but when she didn't I just blurted out, "I'm sorry! I'm an idiot, he probably hates me now. I ruined everything. I swear I did want to say I love him back but I just couldn't. The whole thing was too familiar. At a party just like that another guy had told me he loved me. And then he.. he tried to... Ugh! I'm just.. I screwed it up with Ethan because of my own stupid insecurites."

I was breathing heavily. I turned to look at her and her eyes were on me. I couldn't figure out what was going through her head. Until she said softly, "You mean... A guy tried to rape you? And you didn't tell anyone?"

I nodded. "I just wanted to forget about it."

"Your parents never knew?"

"No."

"Did you ever tell Ethan?"

"No way, he would freak out!"

"You're right." She replied back then took my hand, "I'm so glad you trusted me enough to tell me Marissa."

I shrugged, "I had to tell someone, so at least one person out there knows why I couldn't tell Ethan I loved him. I mean, I feel so stupid. I wasn't even raped or anything, but somehow, that room, that guy, and the horrible,horrible feeling I got.. all of it just won't go away. And I wish I could tell Ethan.. but what will he think of me? I got drunk at a party and made out with this random guy I've never met before... that's not the Marissa he loves... right?"

I looked over at Bri and saw that she was on the verge of crying. She saw me looking then quickly wiped away the tears which weren't out yet.

"Bri, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I... look, Ethan was going to do this on his own but I can't help it. I need to clear the misunderstandings between you guys. Ethan isn't mad at you, he's more upset at himself. Both of you are blaming yourselves. He thinks you need a break, to go back to your old friends and stuff instead of spending all your time with him. And here you are thinking he hates you when he really doesn't!"

I was shocked. "He.. doesn't hate me?" She shook her head, so I asked, "But then why did he say I should spend less time with him?"

"Your aunt told him she's worried that you're not getting back in touch with people from your old life, you're sort of avoiding everything and just being with him.. or something."