Please remind me (who I really am)

Chapter 13

Lisa buried her face in the pillow, wishing that someone or something could give her some kind of answer. How long could she hold out? How long could her already bruised heart cope?

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The early morning flight that Lisa dragged herself to after very little sleep was, thankfully, uneventful. No delays, no tinny music, nobody kicking the back of her seat, and no turbulence. She got back home exhausted, clambering out of the cab and stumbling up the steps. It was 10am and she was tired. Lisa didn't even bother to do herself the courtesy of brushing her teeth; she stripped off her clothes, pulled on some pajamas, and fell into bed.

The next few days passed slowly. Work was busy, but the days crawled by nonetheless, and Lisa felt like she was moving through molasses. She hadn't yet had a chance to see or talk to Rosé, who she had been passing like ships in the night thanks to Rosé's working pattern that week. She hadn't replied to Jisoo's texts asking how the trip across to Salt Lake City had gone, but she had a sneaking suspicion that Jisoo had realized what a silly idea it had been judging from the "we should never make decisions after drinking cider" text she'd received while she was sitting in the park the day before.

Hanbin though, she had been able to talk to Hanbin at least. Whenever a customer wasn't close enough to overhear their conversation, she bombarded poor Hanbin with her thoughts about Jennie, how she felt about having an indefinite amount of time to wait, what he thought about what she should do. She told him that she loved Jennie, that she was very definitely in love with Jennie Kim, and berated herself for falling in love so quickly.

For his part, Hanbin was very sympathetic. He was perhaps the most romantic of her friends, and so told her off immediately when she chastised herself for loving Jennie already. "You can't help how, who, and when you love someone, Lisa," he said gently. "If you could, nobody would ever have a broken heart. But it would take all the magic out of what love is; a terrifying and thrilling freefall."

It really didn't help that wherever Lisa went, there Jennie was. On the fronts of magazines, on billboards, on adverts on the sides of buses, especially since it was only very recently that the Vehemence had been released. She found that she was constantly reminded of Jennie, and every time she saw her face, she heard the words just a friend repeat through her mind like a drumbeat.

Jennie didn't call, and Lisa didn't call her. For the first time since they'd met, her phone was silent. There were no texts, no photos, no funny stories from the set. She avoided Instagram. For all intents and purposes, this felt to Lisa like some kind of breakup. But how could they break up, if they'd never specifically been together? And yet... and yet.

These days, Rosé often came home from her night shifts to find Lisa running out her thoughts on the treadmill, the sweat pouring down her body and her hair a mess. When Jisoo came over to hang out, she always brought whisky, never cider.

Lisa just had too much on her mind. She missed Jennie. Missed the way she brushed her silky hair out of her face while she was reading if had fallen into her eyes. Missed the way she murmured to the exploding tap while she was using it as if it was a sentient being with feelings. Missed the way her cat eyes lit up when they browsed the TV channels and found Star Wars or some other sci-fi or fantasy film or show. She missed the way that Jennie's fingers trailed delicately over the spines of books on a shelf, as if each one was deserving of her attention even if she wasn't choosing to read it this time.

But most of all she missed the way that Jennie's hands traced patterns in her skin, the way her fingers always made their way so gently through Lisa's hair while the watched something on TV, sifting through it, braiding it, occasionally scratching her scalp. Lisa's heart thudded painfully in her chest when she thought about how Jennie always kissed her as if she was something to be treasured, to be appreciated, to be cherished. She thought about the way that Jennie trusted her, at first cautiously and then with her whole self, body, and heart. Jennie had been so open, so vulnerable, and Lisa loved her for it.