Heartbroken

The Letter

Dear Benny Boo,

It's been 8 months since we broke and yet it feels like it was just yesterday. It still hurts the same. I know I Ieft you because in your insecurity you began to ruin everything good about us. I left because I was crying every day and at some point you stopped paying attention to the amount of hurt you were inflicting on me. But you already know this. I know you never understood it but you heard it. What I didn't tell you was that I was crying softly even while I was telling you it was over. That I spent the last 8 months still sad about our breakup. What I didn't tell you was how much I love you.

Just yesterday it would have been our 4 year anniversary and realizing that made me cry. I was hugging your fluffy and thinking about our first date. We had liked each other for so long before you asked me out in a way only you could. Comparing me to math equations. I never thought you liked me until you asked me out. Weirdly you didn't realize that I liked you too. I never told you how perfect that date was. You were late for it in your typical Parth style and then you took out for a walk along Marine Drive. I am sorry for the weird habit of picking at your wound when you were trying to give me a rose. It was my first rose ever. And I kept it, in between the pages of 'A Love Story'. All the while I was thinking to myself how did this perfect man fall in love with me? And then you took me to 'Bayview' where you gave me that ball to play with during my exams so I would steer clear of knifes and not end up hurting myself just because I couldn't sit still. It was something so small and yet it touched me that you had paid attention to that habit of mine. You told me how perfect the view was and it was but all I could thing about was how perfect you looked in your full sleeve tee with a goofy smile on your face. But, that wasn't the best part of the date. When you gave me that little harry potter keychain and asked me to be your horcrux was the best. Sitting on the swing in the shadows of the playground it was amazing how you tried to make a harry potter reference. Tried. I never corrected you that what you were giving me was the sign of deathly hallows which was never used as a horcrux by Voldemort or that it wasn't romantic to ask me to be your horcrux in plain HP terms. But, it was perfect.

I sometimes I just think about my first valentine ever. It was with you and mi amour you set the standards very high by celebrating all the seven days of valentines with me. I sometimes think you have ruined me for anyone else. Despite, how it ended you were good for me in ways you didn't even understand. You kept me grounded and you motivated me to become better than I was before. But, most of all you chose to be calm the few times I was all over the place. You just covered my ears and hugged me tight not letting me go till I calmed down. And after the madness and the fight ended you always sang 'tum jab pass ati ho' for me. I hated that song and yet I fell in love with it. I still can't listen to that song anymore without hearing the echo of your voice while it plays. I listen to it every time I am sad thinking about you, my little cadaver. And always makes me smile. 

I want to talk to you and tell you everything like I used to, maybe even send this letter to you but then I think about what you would say to me. I am mostly scared that you would be with another girl and I don't know I can't think about it. You were supposed to be mine. After all we were going to get engaged this December after my graduation.

I think it seems impossible to be that girl now. The way I was with you. The way I fell in love with you. You were never my type of guy and yet you were the one I needed. Sometimes, I just wake up and forget I am no longer your girlfriend and am about to call you. It's weird how I no longer have to wake you up in the morning. It's like sleeping, it's just something I do and I wonder if your new girlfriend does that for you. I wonder if she cooks for you. If she comes over to your hostel room every month to clean it up for you because let's face it you will never do it yourself. I wonder if she simply takes your hand and wraps her arms around your neck and dances to 'Unchained Melody' or she simply holds your hand tenderly calling you her woman. I loved calling you my damsel. If she brushes back your hair from your face and fights with over giving her the wrong direction again. Or watches you sleep in her lap like you always like to. I hope she doesn't because these were my things.

Does that make me a bad person?

I suppose it does. I don't know. What I do know 8 months aren't nearly enough to get over you. I don't think even a lifetime would be enough. But, I guess love is sometimes not a reason enough to stay.

I really wish it was.

Love,

Your Little Ray of Sunshine.