TAILS ━ NUMBER FIVE

𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍

"Aren't we all brothers and sisters or...?" Vanya asked. Klaus snorted. "No, we're just a really fucked up family," I said, spinning around in my chair. "Well, technically, it-"

"Technically? If you have to word...use the word technically you're already in trouble," Klaus interrupted. He and Vanya giggled quietly. "Okay, can...can we focus? I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe, we could at least try to save my marriage," Allison butted in. Klaus poured some more alcohol in his tiny flask, the drink overflowing and spilling on the floor.

"No! No, because that's like...that's like asking a nun how to jump someone's leg. I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?" Klaus pointed to Vanya. "In secret love with some farm Frau."

"Her name is Sissy," Vanya corrected. "Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer." Allison and I shook our heads at Klaus. "What?" Vanya asked. "We'll explain later," I whispered, waving it off. "Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier I haven't technically met yet, (Y/N) is dating someone over twice her mental age-"

"He looks 13 now leave me alone."

"-and Luther is in love with his sister," he finished. "Okay, again, we are not biological," Allison reminded.

"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin."

Vanya gave Klaus a confused look while Allison rolled her eyes and leaned back in her seat. "The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love," he raised his flask, "is how to screw it up." We raised our drinks. "Cheers." We took a sip from our glasses and bottles. "How do you guys deal with this?" Vanya asked. "What?"

"I mean, all of it. Time travel, seeing the dead, the end of the world," Vanya said. "Well I get really high," Klaus began, sitting across from me. "Allison...Allison...lies to herself," he whispered. She kicked a stool at him from across the room. "(Y/N) is made of steel. She has made no emotional attachments outside of this family. She honestly couldn't care less-"

"Hey, excuse me! I still have feelings, you know," I protested. "Really? Then tell me about one person you care for besides the seven people you grew up with, mom, and Pogo," he leaned across the table and looked at me. "I mean-"

"Hey, hey, no excuses. One person. That's all you have to do." I sighed and leaned back in my seat. "Maria," I mumbled. "What was that?" He asked. "Maria, ok?" I said louder. "I might've become friends with the daughter of Jack Ruby and she's actually really, really, really nice," I stated. "Oh, yes, really nice," Klaus said. "What?"

"Don't worry, Ben told me all about you and that girl. Quite cute," Klaus noted. "Ben told you about that? I thought he didn't tell you where I was," I said. "He's been catching me up these past few days. I still can't believe you didn't try to contact me! You talked with him for 6 months!" He exclaimed. "What- 6 months? (Y/N) why didn't you do anything?" Allison asked.

"She was too busy falling in love with that pretty girl," Klaus chuckled.

I kicked him under the table. "We're not in love," I muttered.

"Anyway, to continue with my spiel, you," he pointed to Vanya, "suppress all your emotions deep, deep down until you...you blow shit up."

"Yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore," Vanya mumbled. "Well, you've got six days, missy," Klaus said. Vanya sighed. "What the hell are we supposed to do with six days?" Allison asked. "Party? I don't know," Klaus remarked.

"I'm gonna tell Sissy that I love her."

Klaus exhaled sharply, letting smoke come out of his mouth. "I don't want any secrets," she continued. "Yeah." Allison threw a comb down and stood up. "Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yes, 'cause, you know, if...if it's all gonna go tits-up, the least I could do is be honest with my husband."

"I still can't believe you married a guy who's last name is Chestnut," I snorted. "You know what that reminds me of? Officer Cheddar." Allison and I chuckled. "Yeah, that feels like-"

"-a lifetime ago." We smiled at each other. "Well, if you're going to be honest with your husband, I should probably talk with Maria. Get shit out of the way before the world blows up," I said, standing up. "Oh...does that mean I have to face my cult? I just hate group breakups. It's why I stopped dating twins," Klaus added.

"This family's amazing," Vanya said, throwing her hands up. Klaus cackled. "Yeah, sure."

"Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves." I stood next to Allison and Klaus, wrapping my arms around them. "Come here, Vanya," Klaus said, holding his arms out for her. "Come on. Get over here." Vanya jumped up and landed in our arms. "I love you guys." Allison laughed and a new song came on the radio. "Oh! You guys! I love this song!"

She ran over to the radio to turn it up. We danced and laughed and twisted and turned until we were all tired out. When the song ended, we laughed and with a sigh, collapsed into our seats.

~  ☂︎︎  ~

𝙄 𝙍𝙀𝙏𝙐𝙍𝙉𝙀𝘿 𝙏𝙊 Elliot's, hoping to find Five and discuss our plan of action. Weirdly enough, the only person there was Elliot. "Hey, did Five ever come back?" I asked him. "Uh, no, not to my knowledge," he replied, looking around the room. "Huh. Guess I'm just gonna, teleport to him."

"Wait! What abou-"

But I was already gone. I ended up in another warehouse. "Here we go again," I muttered. I heard grunting noises and quickly hid behind a pole. Peaking out, I saw Five with his foot on Lila's neck. "You're better than I thought," she wheezed. I assumed there was some sort of fight that happened. "And you are entirely average," he quipped. Lila made a few choking noises. Five looked up.

"You can come out now." I watched as a woman walked out. It can't be. The Handler, in all her annoying glory, stepped out with a cigar in her mouth. "Well if I'm going to come out, your little friend should as well," she said. "What little friend?" He asked. "Oh come on, don't play dumb." He looked around, confused, so I came out from behind my hiding spot.

"Hello," I waved, stepping beside Five. "Oh, when did you get here?" He asked. "Eh, like, a minute ago." He nodded.

"Now that you guys have that covered," the Handler began, "Where were we? Well done, by the way. You figured it out." Five scoffed. "Well, it wasn't very hard. She fights like every one of you Commission drones," he replied. "Oh, she's-she's Commission? Huh," I said, crouching down by her head.

"Hmm. No matter, here we are. Together again. I've gotta ask, did you miss me, you little shit?"

—𝘼𝙐𝙏𝙃𝙊𝙍'𝙎 𝙉𝙊𝙏𝙀!
Now that my weird plot
holes have been addressed,
can we please stop making
p*dophilia and "sTePbRo"
jokes. They make me very
✨ u n c o m f y ✨ Thank you :)
-AJ

QOTD: If you could talk to anyone, dead or alive (and a real person), who would it be?

AOTD: I'm gonna say Jesus. I believe he was a real person, so there's that. Other options would be Anne Frank, Amelia Bloomer, Harriet Tubman, Bayard Rustin, Rosa Parks, maybe Martin Luther King Jr. A lot of activists during the civil rights movement.