50 Proof (Jae of Day6 one shot)

50 proof

5:00 pm

Pagod akong napabangon sa pagkakahiga ko sa kama. Dahan-dahan akong napahikab at nagkusot ng mata. I blinked multiple times only to notice that the sun is actually setting outside my window. I sighed. Hapon na naman ako nagising. Shit. Lagi na lang.

Parang zombie akong lumapit sa bintana habang kalahati ng diwa ko ay di parin nagigising. Nang marating ko ang bintana ay di ko alam pero pagod akong sumandal dito habang hinihintay mag-adjust ng paningin ko sa liwanag mula sa labas.

Malamig na hangin ang agad na sumalubong sa akin. Mas lalo akong napahikab at ngayo'y tinatananaw na ang lawak ng dalampasigan at dagat na view mula sa bintana ko. Parang nakaramdam ako ng kaunting kirot sa puso ko nang tuluyan na akong maging aware sa aking paligid. Sa sobrang tahimik sa lugar na to, di ko mapigilang magpabalot sa lungkot na nais akong lamunin ng buo.

I bitterly smiled as I watched every wave hit the shore. I remembered one time, I was the happiest habang binabaybay ang dalampasigang iyan kasama siya. He always has this look on his eyes that could make you feel magical. He was my world, my everything. Afterall we've been through, afterall the heartaches we caused to each other, I would still shamelessly and unconsciously drift back to memory lane where I could replay every memory we had together. Where he was wearing this genuine sweet smile whenever he looked at me.

A silent tear escaped my eye as I remembered how we were so epic back then; how everything feels too good to be true. Habang inaalala ko iyon ay agad na lang akong napayuko habang unti-unting humihikbi. My lips formed into a thin line as I tried to cage the sound of my cries but who am I fooling here? Pagdating sa kanya, I couldn't hold back any emotions that I'm feeling. He's too much for me to handle. Napayakap agad ako sa sarili ko habang patuloy ako sa paghikbi.

Minsan iniisip ko, mabuti na siguro to, na hindi niya ako nakikita sa ganitong state. Mabuti na itanim ko sa isip niya na di ako nagsisisi sa lahat ng desisyon ko para sa aming dalawa, na maisip niyang it's better this way. We both hurt each other anyway so I think it's enough for us to realize that no matter what we do, we couldn't be together anymore. He's very far away from me now and he's actually destined to take that path; the path away from me.

He needs to choose his dreams over me. I just know that he needs to. Whenever we walk through that shore, every sunset, he would always tell me how much he dreams to be recognized as an artist and I would tell him that he should do it, no matter what because if that's what he's meant to be, then why stop him? He would sing me songs about love and misery and happiness, and I couldn't agree more that he is the happiest when he sings with his guitar. I would just stare at him and listen, also asking myself, how could someone like him be real? Everyday with him was like a fairytale. He's just too magical and I think I'm not meant to be with that magical person. He deserves the world and that was actually what I decided to do, I let him go, for the world to see and for the world to love.

Pinalis ko ang mga takas na luha sa aking mga mata. Huminga ako ng malalim and I told myself, magiging okay din ang lahat, sa tamang panahon.

I left the windowside and went to my small kitchen table. Nadatnan kong nandoon pa ang mga bote ng beer sa mesa. Right, sa sobrang kalasingan ko ay di na ako nakapagligpit. Nahagip naman ng mata ko ang aking sariling reflection sa salaman. What a freaking mess. Ang suot ko ngayon ay ang suot ko pa kahapon. Sabog ang mukha ko at parang binagyo lang. Siguro nakatulog nalang ako dahil sa pagod at kalasingan ko kagabi.

As I was checking my reflection ay biglang kumalam ang tiyan ko, indicating na nagugutom na pala ako. I realized na since kanina ay wala akong kinain. Ngayon lang din kasi ako nagising. Kung nandito lang siya, baka pagalitan ako noon kasi di ko inaalagaan ang sarili ko. Napailing nalang ako dahil doon.