I'm Sorry

Being Seen

You don't have to read this. This kind of a rant.

I love my parents and I love my siblings, but I feel like they don't always see me. It's almost as if they don't notice how I feel or act because they are so desensitized to seeing any of it.

To clarify, I have five siblings and I'm the second oldest, although my older sibling hides away in their room and don't carry any of the weight in chores or helping out with the younger kids. Not necessarily on purpose, but while they do the bossing around, I take on all the responsibility. Therefore, I have to fill that spot.

I babysit my siblings every Friday, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I do most of the household cleaning (not trying to invalidate the chores my younger siblings do), take out the trash, make dinner half the time, and on the odd occasion take all my siblings to the park to let them let their energy out. And to add to that, whatever I need to get done for my job/school/etc. I don't really get free time.

And I'm just so exhausted. All. The. Time.

And it doesn't help that my mom acts as if she does all the work around the house. Even straight out saying so sometimes. I keep quiet because, what am I supposed to do? Tell her that she's wrong? I don't want to be disrespectful. I just want to be acknowledged.

I want to be seen! Is that too much to ask?

My mom tells me that I have to have opinions, but I've lived my whole life being told that the youngest should have a chance to pick. I haven't been the youngest for over 15 years! I never come first. I'm fine with that, but to be told that I have to have an opinion when most of my life has been spent being told to not have an opinion doesn't work.

You say that I'm "indecisive" and wonder why. Because I was conditioned that way. I'm sorry, but that's who I am right now.

I say sorry all the time because most of the time it's my fault. Even if it wasn't, it's my fault.

I'm sorry.

"Why didn't you do the dishes? Why do I have to ask you to do that?!"

I didn't get to doing the dishes yet. I had to turn in an assignment before midnight last night . Sorry.

"Can you pick up after yourself for once?"

Sorry! I left out my computer last night when I was up all-night doing project I couldn't do during the day because you needed someone to watch the kids.

"Don't give me attitude!"

Sorry, I didn't mean to. I thought I was just talking to you and yawned. I wasn't trying to seem disrespectful.

"Don't roll your eyes at me!"

I was getting frustrated and closed my eyes for a second to gather my thoughts, not rolling my eyes. But sorry for making you think I was rolling my eyes at you.

Is it too much to ask for at least three hours of sleep tonight?

Is it too much to ask for an hour of free time this week? Please?

I just want to be noticed.

To be seen.

Is that too much to ask?