Lost Stars

a star named you

Hey! I hope you'll find this letter one day and remember me.

I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I still remember the first day you stepped in our class and how our teacher asked you to sit beside me because I was the only one in the whole class who could speak and understand your language.

I miss the times when we would jog around the neighborhood at 7am just so that you could familiarise yourself with the new environment you're in.  I miss the times that I had to fetch you from your home just to bring you to school and send you back home just so you won't get lost.

I miss sitting beside you and eating with you in the cafeteria, while we talk about life, exchange our foods and cultures.

I miss all the talks and laughs we had every midnight. I miss the times you'd ask me to meet you at the school's rooftop just to watch the stars and talk all night.

I miss how we would run around the school as fast as we can, in the middle of the night, with our flashlights lighting up the dark hallways, because the janitor caught us.

You loved talking about space and stars. You told me how each star never wasted a minute or even a second to shine for the sky. Because they don't know until when they could stay up there in the sky, being able to brighten the night, cause one day will come in which they will lose their light and eventually stop shining forever.

You made me believe that even in the worst and darkest nights, I could always choose to be that star that would continue to shine even in the darkest nights. After all, we are all lost stars trying to light up the dark sky.

One night when we were both watching the stars, I asked you what 'life' meant to you, for I was in the middle of an existential crisis. You told me your definition in the most simple way, yet I found it really beautiful. You might be struggling, but you never gave up. Unlike me, a coward. From that day on, I was determined to change to be like you. I looked up to you and thought that you were shining and imagined you as one lost star in the sky which shone the brightest.  I looked up to you and thought to myself that I've met the most beautiful and strongest human I have ever met in my whole life. But of course, I never told you these.

The times we spent together was really short. It's been three years since you decided to go back to your country and study there again since you needed to take care of your mom, who was really sick.  We eventually lost contact. By the time you left, I suddenly realized that I might have fallen in love with you and how I wish I could've told you that the one month I was able to spend with you was the best and meaningful days in my entire life.  How I wish I was able to tell you how much I really adored you and how much you really meant to me.

Now that you're a thousand miles away from me, I hope that whenever you watch the stars at night, you'll think of me and recall all the memories we shared together.

Whenever I miss you, I just look up at the sky and imagined you as that same star which shone the brightest, just like that night when we were together.

Sometimes I would wish to be a star instead, so that I don't need to struggle and force myself to shine in this dark world.  Also, so that once I'm in the sky, we can now be together.  You can see me, and I can see you no matter how far you are.  But, in order for me to be with you and for you to see me, I must shine as bright as I can.

It may not be that easy, but I will do it in order to be with you in the sky, shining as bright as you.

Thank you for saving me, bringing me out in this dark world.  How I wish I could be able to be that lost star who could shine even in the dark nights, just like you.

I hope to see you soon!  Let's meet each other in the sky, for we are both lost stars shining in this dark world.

January 1 to 30, 2020
I fell in love with an exchange student.