Thoughts & Vises

part 1, panic

The first time i had a panic attack was not special in anyway, i had gone to bed early and was lying down watching stuff on my phone. Then you started yelling and i just thought "oh no, not again"
You yelled for a little while then quieted down but i was tense because that wasn't normal for you.

I turned off my phone and lay there listening to every sound in the house, i waited because i knew it was coming. You yelled 2 words then slammed your bedroom door and when i heard that door slam i flinched like always but something happened in my brain, i couldn't stop hearing that slamming.
About 10 minutes later i was starting to hyper ventilate and my chest started hurting, my eyes started tearing up and my hands were shaking as i rolled into the fetal position under the covers. I feel terrible so i reach out to my friends online and i can barely see the keyboard as i type through the tears but i write the message.

I say what is happening and I ask what it is. They say "it sounds like a panic attack, do you need some help?" And honestly i needed them to bot ask but i say "yes i do" and they keep talking to me trying to ground me saying to drink some water and listen to music.

This person who i barely knew took better care of me through a few messages than you have in 15 years and i am so thankful to them. I eventually calm down enough to sleep and i thank this person as best i can and with all my heart, when i say goodbye and I turn off my phone i think to myself about how they know what will work. I think they must be so used to having panic attacks that they can just know how to help.

I realize as I'm writing this that it sounds almost like a Ted talk.
I write this here kind of for me but also for anyone else who needs something that explains how they are feeling and i will write in this about all sorts.

Goodnight
Jay.k