Achoo! - A Discworld fanfic.

"Captain?" Stuttered a pale young seaman, trembling slightly and not trying to hide it in the least part.

"Yes? What's the matter with you man? do speak up now!" Replied a rather boisterous man with an attitude seeming rather like that of Ridcully.*

"Well i don't mean to alarm you sir... but you do seem, um, rather more dead than usual sir...um." 

"Don't be ridiculous man! I've never felt better!" And with that the captain stormed out of the cabin. Of course the effect was ruined rather a little by the fact that he walked through the closed door, but not all things can be helped now can they?

Meanwhile, in the Unseen University, a group of eighth grade wizards were standing clutching bags of nuts and bunches of bananas (one even had a parsnip for some unknown reason; but who could speculate about the mindless insanity of great wizards) looking rather sheepishly at the librarian. He was an orangutan. **

"Um... Good monkey?" Muttered one of the more... let us say suicidal, wizards. He quieted down after that, with the exception of the word 'Argh' as the librarian attempted to twist his head of by his ears. A small mistake on the wizards part that he wouldn't be making again.

"As i have told you before Dean; we do not, under any circumstances, use the M word! Now then my good chap, we were wondering if you might give us a hand with our little problem? As you can see we have brought some items to make it worth your while."

"Ook." Replied the librarian with a surprising amount of intellect.

"Yes, yes. I see your point there, not sure myself why Dean brought that inappropriate parsnip, and im well aware you have a reputation to uphold." Ridcully was not a man to be phased by an ape, especially as the other option was the Deans peculiarly shaped vegetable.

"Dean get rid of that bloody parsnip will you! There we are then my good fellow, so how about it, care to help us out of this dilemma?"

"... Ook." Answered the librarian. After all he thought to himself, it wouldn't do to have ghosts running round everywhere. It was bad enough with Mr. Slant the zombie being an amazingly successful lawyer. The librarian didnt need to be told what was going on- the advantages of a library in L-space were endless. Of course the victims who got lost and died in L-space was also endless but it was their own stupid fault... I mean who doesnt pack survival equipment to go into a library... Honestly.

"Exellent!" Exclaimed Ridcully, clapping his hands with the emphusiasm of a child when something morbid has happened. It really is astounding the amount of children who secretly aspire to work as a proffessional undertaker. "Right then lads it's time... Dean put that parsnip away now! It's not appropriate! ... Thank you. As I was saying, it's time to sort this mess out, for one thing we need to have a good, nourishing dinner. While my good fellow here finds the book of course." The Dean had been stiflling the giggles throughout this and the arch-chancoller knew it. Ridcully held out his hand and sighed; "Give it here Dean." The Dean burst into spontaneous laughter. Esaspherated Ridcully began to tap his foot- a certain amount of patience was required to deal with the Dean. "Place the vegetable in my hand now Dean." The Dean gave him the parsnip and watched as it was thrown deep into the depths of the library. He also watched as the librarian gave a sudden exclaimation of 'Oook!', threw a penut at Ridcully's head and began the tiresome search of looking for said parsnip; whilst mutering in whatever language an ape is said to speak in. 

* Who was in fact the Arch-chancellor of Ankh-Morporks supposed finest, the Unseen university, and who had given the bursar at least twelve nervous breakdowns.

** The transformation had happened during a magical incident involving the Octavo; the greatest magical book of all time. Or rather it was before Rincewind's luggage ate it... After that it was just a drooled on pile of mush given back to the library as a 'donation'.