Sweet Caroline

#43 Girl, girls, girls

"Caroline, you don't understand," Tiffany says, sounding lost. "Every single time I sleep with someone, I do this. Every. Time. Out on the dance floor, grinding against someone, I get aroused. I really do. Not just with Yord, with other guys too. It's when we get to the sex part when I just don't seem to be able to really get into it until I imagine someone else touching me."

"Every single time?" I repeat. Okay, that is a little strange. "Can I ask who you're thinking of? Is it a celebrity or an ex-boyfriend maybe?"

"I've never..." Tiffany opens her eyes and glances at me with worry in her eyes.

I just wish that we wouldn't be in a moving car with me having to keep my eyes on the road. If we were in my apartment I'd pour her a glass of wine or make her some tea or something and put and arm around her to make her feel better. For now, I just settle for giving her a moment.

"I've never told anyone this," she says softly. "And it's not always the same person I fantasize about. They all have one thing in common though."

"What?" I ask, too curious to remain silent.

"They're all..." Long pause. "They're all girls. Last night it was Shaughna."

Oh. Wow. I did not see that coming. It makes sense though. The blushing around Shaughna... And the intensity she has about her when she talks about her old friend Hillary. And Hillary is gay. Oh wow. I'm certain that there's a side to that story that Tiffany hasn't told me yet.

"Then why don't you go on a date with a girl?" I ask.

Tiffany lets out a surprised squeaky laugh. "Date a girl? I can't just date a girl!"

"Why not?" I ask. "Are your parents super old-fashioned or religious or something?"

"No, no, my parents would be fine with it. They are religious, but they don't have anything against homosexuality. They believe that God wouldn't have made people gay if he thought of it as a sin. I just don't... I don't want to be gay. I just want a dog and a kid and a house with a white-picket fence. I want to whole traditional fairytale."

"You can have all of that with a girl." I had no idea that Tiffany had been walking around with this huge secret weighing her down. It sounded to me like she realized she was gay a long time ago and that she was actively trying not to be.

"I know that!" she bits out. "I just don't want that. I want to get pregnant and have babies. And not from some random sperm donor because the person I love doesn't have a penis. I want kids with the person I love, kids that are half mine and half his. Not half mine and half..."

"So you want to marry someone you don't love?" I press, not believing that she really wants to go through life like that. "To close your eyes and think of a pretty girl every time he touches you? To lay there in bed, thinking about a girl, while your husband impregnates you? Tiffany, a kid doesn't have to be biologically yours to love it. And it doesn't have to be an anonymous sperm donor either. You could ask someone you know and trust to donate, right?"

"I don't want that," she repeats. "I don't want to be gay, Caroline!"

"It doesn't matter what you want," I shoot back at her, getting aggravated. I'm not mad at her, not exactly. I'm just angry that she's denying herself of the life she deserves because she's holding onto the idea that she needs to be straight to be happy. "Do you really think that love is about what you want, Tiffany? Do you think I wanted to fall in love with someone who's way older than I am, who could cause me to lose my job? Someone with a kid and an ex-wife? Of course I didn't!"

"But Nathan is-"

"Yes, Nathan is amazing," I interrupt her. "And he's exactly what I need. But do you really think that if you'd asked me a year ago who my perfect guy was that I would have described Nathan? Hell no! And I'm not the only one, Tiff. Shaughna is in love with my ex-boyfriend. I don't believe for even a second that she and Dshawn planned on starting something. They sure as hell didn't want that, but it happened anyway. My ex Danny fell in love with this girl Emily and she turned out to be gay. I don't believe that either of them wanted that. Shit happens, Tiff. You may not want to be into girls, but you are. Not getting what you want is not something that only happens to lesbians. It happens to everyone. Sometimes, not getting what you want is the best thing for you. I wanted my old life with Danny back, but instead I moved on and found what I really needed: a fresh start, a great new friend, an amazing job and a wonderful man who actually loves me for who I am."