Sweet Caroline

#20 Let me give you what you want

Dshawn studies my face. "Are you... in love with him?"

"No." And that's the truth. Two months is not enough for love. It can be, but not these past months, not the way Nathan and I spent them. I'd need to truly get to know him to fall that hard. "I do know that I could love him. It's like I can feel the pull already, the pull that could make me stumble and fall. Maybe that's why I'm so shaken up. I haven't felt that pull in..." Wow, how long has it been?

"Three years," Dshawn finishes for me. "When you first met Danny. You used to talk about him with the same haunted look in your eyes back then."

"Haunted?" That doesn't sound good.

Dshawn shrugs. "Love is a scary thing. I know I'm scared as hell to fall for someone."

"Have you ever been in love?"

He shrugs and looks away. "Twice, I think. Once with my first girlfriend in high school and once... with you."

"Me?" Oh shit. Shit. Fuck.

"Not now," he assures me. "You don't have to look at me like you're about to throw up, Car. Four years ago, when we dated."

"I had no idea." I truly though that he had felt the same way I did. The break-up had been mutual and friendly after all. We'd only dated for a few months. Sure, those months had been intense and we'd spend every waking minute together, but he had seemed completely fine with going our separate ways.

"Yeah... well... You obviously didn't feel the same way and you didn't enjoy sex with me all that much back then, so I convinced myself that I wasn't in love with you. I was fine until you met Danny, honestly." He looks pained. "When you met him... I still don't know how I managed to deal with you dating my friend. Our friendship didn't survive though. Neither did my friendship with Danny."

I always thought that we'd just drifted apart naturally. How had I not seen this?

"I'm sorry. I never..."

Dshawn smiles, his eyes meeting mine again. "How could you know? It took me a long time to admit it to myself."

"And now?" I ask, scared of the answer. No matter how fucked up I am, I know for a fact that I'm never going to fall for Dshawn. No matter how easy that would make my life. I would if I could, but life doesn't work like that.

"Relax, I'm not in love with you." He looks like he's telling the truth, but I can't be sure. "I still think you're beautiful and sexy and kind, but I'm definitely not in love with you anymore. Unlike you, I am perfectly capable of having one-night stands, casual sex and booty calls without bawling my eyes out."

I laugh a little at that. "Okay." What am I supposed to say to him now? This whole day is just so weird.

"Don't wig out on me now," he warns me. "Trust me, I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself." He glances around the room. "And I know that you're a big girl, but I do have one last piece of advice. I don't think it's healthy for you to live in an apartment that Nathan basically furnished. I think you should buy new stuff and text him to get his crap out of here."

"Actually..." I get an idea. "His parents' old apartment has a new resident. An older guy, some accountant in his sixties. Mr. Galf. Bad divorce, from what he told me. His wife took everything he had. Maybe he wants it. When I went over to welcome him, the place looked pretty empty."

"Yes!" Dshawn jumps up. "Let's go ask him."

Turns out Mr. Galf is more than happy to take over most of the furniture. The three of us move it over right away. Dshawn and I put the stuff he doesn't want in my guest room. Dshawn stays over that night – in the guestroom, no more sex for us – and we spend Sunday driving to every thrift store in the area to get me new furniture. It's not as nice as the things Nathan gave me, but it's cheap and it's mine.