Untouchable

I hate myself. I hate the person I have become. I hate the fact that no one notices that I hate myself. But most of all I hate how it is my fault. 

I deserve the pain I inflict on myself. Because if anyone should be hurt, it should be me. 

I deserve pain for all the pain I have caused people. For the girl, I called fat. For the girl, I slut-shamed. For the shy girl, I yelled at to speak up. 

I deserve to be hurt for giving a disgusted look to the boy who was building up the confidence to ask me something. For the boy, I called ugly. For the people, I have pushed out of the way. For the things, I said about my best friend and ex-boyfriend that started it all. 

I wish this was over, that in one second I could leave, escape, disappear. I don't think people would mind that much. 

I will be known as the highschool bitch that ruined people's lives. I have come to accept the fact that people hate my existence and I have come to the point where I accept the fact that I hate myself. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. The voices in my head used to be silenced when I bullied someone. When I told rumors, stole people’s boyfriends, and when I dictated the cheer squad, the voice would quiet. I was a bully. 

But now the voices have gotten louder and the only way to drown them out is by my headphones blasting with music and me getting the punishment I deserve. 

The hurt I deserve. 

“You are going to be late…..You are now late it is 6:38, you do realize you have school right” 

I scramble to stand up to wash my arms in the sink and put on some bracelets. 

“I am leaving now, mom”

I walk to school every day. Walking to school is one of the few things that give me great joy in my sad, pathetic, lonely life. Every morning I walk to school with my headphones in and music blasting. I am not kidding, I mean every single morning, I can’t remember the last time I didn't take a walk in the morning. It is an amazing way to clear the bad thoughts out of my head. I try to stay away from my thoughts when I am at school or around people because it usually ends up with me panicking and my vision blurred to see the color of red stain on my skin.

Taking a walk and being by myself is the perfect way to prepare.

So maybe my music shouldn’t be so loud and maybe I should be paying attention but I never thought anything bad would happen. I never wanted this to happen. It was never my intention. I want to die but I would never go through with it. I have thought about it often but doing it is something completely different. Just like how my life would be nonexistent if it wasn’t for a boy on that summer day. 

I finally got to school. I switch my sneakers out for heels. I have a lovely reputation to uphold. I wonder what it would be like to just stop and not care about what would happen if I gave up. 

Him. One million things pass through my head when I see him. The boy who saved me. My knight in shining armor the boy that will go down as a hero if anyone knows the truth. A truth that could ruin me. A truth that could take everything out of my life and destroy it in a moment. My truth.

I just want to say something to him. I just want to go up to him and make sure he keeps my secret. I just want to make sure no one knows. 

He is leaned up against the locker with a pencil and sketchbook in hand. I can’t go up and talk to him. I don't know why I can't and I don't know why but there is something stopping me. He is unknown in our school. He is recognized as the depressed art guy. The guy that no one talks to. The guy in the shadows is a no one in our school.