//Doomed//

13

Like i did him. Like i think i still do.... Fuck.

But i don't know why. I don't want to be feeling like this. As though the more he makes me hate him, the more i crave him and need him.

What the hell is wrong with me? I can't deal with feeling like this. I don't do well with confusion.

The sudden sound of low moaning sounds from Carl's bedroom, along with laughter. And i know that's my queue to head out and give them some privacy.

I grab the first dress closest to me from my wardrobe, my mini denim one with the short mid lenth sleeves. Chucking it on carelessly over my white t-shirt and throwing my hair into a messy bun at the top of my head. I put on my black converse before grabbing my bag and the bottle and heading straight out.

Not that i plan on going anywhere. It's rather late now. I don't have the company nor the energy to go out. Plus I'm still pissed off with myself from earlier. Why do the smallest things have to play on my mind and annoy me?

I throw my bag over my shoulder as i slowly pull the door shut. The cool air hitting me instantly, making me wish I'd grabbed a jacket. But there's a cat in hells chance I'm going back in there. I take note of the bottle in my hand, realising the just over half i have left, should soon warm me up once I've downed it all.

I take a seat on the wall outside my apartment, staring off into the park opposite. It's dimly lit and the swings sway slowly with the light breeze. I jump up, like the big school kid i am and run over.

Taking a seat on the swings. I begin to push my feet against the ground to get some momentum. I swing carelessly for some time, lost with my thoughts, before I'm startled...

"Bit late to be playing in a park. Shouldn't it be bed time?" Healy's unmistakle voice sounds from behind me with extreme sarcasm, before grabbing the swing next to me and taking a seat. Watching me as i try coming to a sudden stop.

My feet scrape across the ground as the swing slowls down enough for me to jump up and get away. But I'm not quick enough with that plan as Matthew grabs me by the wrist. That electricity pulsing through me again. If not more this time. I try and ignore my racing heart and fuzzy mind - which i think is more down to the full bottle of wine in me - i yank my hand from his grasp "Don't!" i warn, aiming for my voice to come out harsh and threatening but it brakes. Along with my gaze at him. As my eyes soon find the ground. Already knowing what those fucking eyes of his do to me.

I should be storming off. I'm free from his grip. He's not said another word to me. But i stay, stood frozen and awkward. Blank minded.

I don't even know what to do right now.

Or what i should be doing.

"You shouldn't be out this late on your own" he scolds me with harsh words, like I'm a child. But speaks them softly.

I shrug. "What's it to you?" i dare myself to look up at him, as he begins to swing slightly. Pushing back and forth from his toes to his heels. But his eyes are still on me. Soft and holding a concerned expression on his face.

"Fair enough" he mumbles to the floor, watching his feet.

Again, i could go. I should.

But i don't.

"What you doing here?" i go in for the questions now. But mirror him, eyeing the floor. But my reason is because he makes me feel awkward and shamelessly embarrassed. I've no idea why he's playing the uncomfortable card. He shouldn't of come over if that's how i make him feel.

He bites his bottom lip before slowly pulling a cigarette packet out. I didn't know he smoked. I look away quickly before i feel his eyes on me again "Needed a breather" he shrugs, sparking the cig up "after spending the night with my ex" he takes the cig away from his mouth, blowing out a big puff of smoke.

Oh.

I try hiding whatever drastic emotion would be across my face. Knowing i won't be able to hide or stop the disappointment spilling over and taking over my face.

He takes another drag "Hey, you started it" he chuckles at his own comment. I forwn at the floor. Not understanding. But then i quickly realise he saw the look. And he means about Luke.

"Fair enough" i speak low. Repeating his words from earlier. Stupidity hitting me again with a sharp slap across the face. I don't think i could feel any smaller right about now.

"Oh it was some show you put on" he looks down before bringing his head back up with a grin across that beautiful face of his. But beautiful or not. He still infuriates me. More than ever.

"I didn't do it for-"

"You put it on for me alright" he nods. Cutting me off. Acting like he knows everything. Like aslways.

So what if it was just for his benefit. I'm not going to admit to that.

And he's some need to fucking talk now. He's been back with his ex. I had an innocent, flirty kiss with mine. He's spent the night with his.

His words, not mine.

It falls silent between us. Only the sound of the low breeze whisteling around us. He flicks the tab end before sniffling up, catching my attention again.

But it's silent again. And the silence gets too much. I bend down, retrieving my bag from the floor "well I'm glad you had a good night" i fake the worlds biggest bitchiest smile before turning to head off.

His laughter stops me. Why do i keep doing this to myself? Why do i not just leave when i have the chance?

"Jealousy suits you well" he smirks before standing directly infront of me.

I've no idea how, but i suddenly lose my balance, stumbling to the side, i knock the empty wine bottle over. Matthew's hands are quickly on my upper arms, steadying me. Both our heads snap to the ground at the same time, where the bottle rolls off into the distance.

I quickly shrug him off softly. Feeling like I'm going to get told off by him for some reason... that's how he always makes me feel.

"Wanna talk about it?" he brings his gaze up from the bottle slowly with a sympathetic look.

"Hah!" i roll my eyes. Backing away slightly to try and gain some distance between us. And the distanmce helps, as bravery hits me "just some guy" i shrug. Bringing my eyes back up to fake that smug smile again.

"Oh" he nods once "go on..." he plays the innocent role. Clearly eager to know more because he clearly knows it's him I'm talking about. He watches me carefully now.

I contemplate going on. Because why should i basically tell him everything he already knows? Just to make him feel more clever and better about himself. Knowing what he did to me and how it's made me feel. I know he already knows.

But what do i have to lose...

"You see, i got with this guy and...." i make sure i keep my focus on the ground. Not able to even look him in the face anymore. Too scared of seeing a grin. Or humour across his face "he warned me i could get hurt" i shrug. Quickly realising the bravery has left me completely. And a lump's beginning to form in my throat, threatening to choke me up. But i go on. I've already started "but i took no notice. So i know it's my fault" Matthew bends slightly, trying to take a glance at my face, but i make sure he can't see as tears begin to prick my eyes "and we fucked. He fucked and chucked me" i shrug "and.... and now it hurts" i quickly wipe the tear away from my cheek that escaped. Hoping i was quick enough not to be seen.

But no such luck.

"Lea-anne!" he speaks breathless, like i've just hit him in the chest, causing all the air to escape from him. He brings his finger tips to my chin, quickly aiming to force my head up to look at him.

But i can't handle it.

I shouldn't of done that. I shouldn't of said anything.

I turn quickly on my heels and run for it.