the Shadows ( the MJ Murphy Memoirs I)

The Dream

The dream began like any other dream, a soft light floating at the edge of my subconsciousness. I had to reach for it, mental fingers grasping within my mind. Only then could it began to take an substantial form. That's when it changed. 

It was dark. The type of dark completely and utterly absent of light. The type of dark where you scrunch your eyes open and closed, blinking rapidly to clear your vision, only to find that it makes no difference, you can see only a void of empty blackness. I pressed the heel of my palms to my eyes and rubbed furiously, to no avail. The solid dark did not diminish. Indeed, it seemed to grow even colder than before. Shivering, I forced my hands into motion, rubbing my arms to create heat from friction. Coaxing my other sense to work proved more challenging than I'd thought, but they groggily began to cooperate, still stiff from a broken sleep. 

 "Hello?" I croaked, throat suddenly dry, into the eerie silence. "Is anyone there?" Of course, there was no reply and I hadn't expected one. Even before I spoke, somehow I had known I was alone. Alone in the opaque curtain of nothingness. 

Where was I? What was going on? 

This was no ordinary dream, it was more like the beginnings of a nightmare. 

I drew a ragged breath. Not being able to see I wasn't certain, but was sure my breath had fogged around me. The air was damp and moist, like the earth after rainfall, making me wrinkle my nose in distaste. The silence grew deafening and I knew I couldn't just stand there. I had to get out of here. 

If this was my dream, surely I was in control of what happened here. I could just change it to something nicer, like Cora and I sipping cocktails on a beach. Or Dad and I bike riding through the lake district. Dad, I thought longingly, a razor blade of slicing pain flashed hot across my heart. Grimly, I shoved that thought, and with it him, to the back of my mind. Not now, you have to focus, I reprimanded myself. Of course, it would never be that easy. 

With my attention reaffirmed, my hand searched cautiously. Reaching, I found purchase on the cold dirt wall around a third of a metre from my face. A gasp tore through my lips and I reflectively pulled my hand back, bringing my other arm up cradling it protectively to my chest. My heart hammered painfully loud against my rib-cage. I gritted my teeth and scowled, get a grip woman! I told myself sternly. Before I could convince myself otherwise, I reached out again. Restraining myself from the instinct to jump away this time, My palm hit it firmly. See? Nothing to it. I grinned. My fingers clenched at the wall, causing the dirt to give way and the sounds of falling rubble reached my ears. Oops.

I knew I was somewhere dark and damp. By the sound of falling dirt, I assumed I was also close to the earth. I guessed I was bellow ground, in what appeared to be a cave or tunnel. Strange that my dream would take me here. When awake, I was terribly claustrophobic. 

Through the blackened void, a single white light appeared. Focused at first into a single dot in the distance, it grew steadily larger and brighter as it approached me from the other end of the tunnel. With it, the approaching light bought a strange sense of calm. I felt a strong compulsion to reach out and touch it, but smartly refrained. I didn't know what it was, what is was doing here or what it wanted. I was certain I was not in control of this dream anymore. I wondered if I ever had been. The magnificent white flame was at its largest now, engulfing the width of the entire wall. Tendrils of soft light spilled from it, coming to a stop a few meter from where I stood. Pausing only a moment, as if allowing me to bask in its hypnotic unearthliness, the white light raced towards me, hitting me squarely in my chest. With a heartfelt, humph I was throw backwards, breaths coming in shallow spurts, collapsing against the dirt wall. What the hell was that? I slid down onto my butt, pulling up my pale quivering legs and wrapping my arms securely around them. It was complete darkness, once again. The light had not gone through me, but rather entered me and was situated inside my body. I looked down at my still shaking hands, an in horror I realised my body was starting to glow. 

 Engulfed by the mysterious luminescence, my body quickly became weightless. For a strange moment I felt an almost euphoric sense of peace and joy, warmth, safety and comfort. It make me ridiculously want to laugh aloud and give into the tremendous urge to open my arms in a welcoming embrace. Yes! Stay with me here. We can be happy. 

As quickly as the dream began, it shattered. As it fell apart, I did too. Casting me along with it into what felt like a billion broken pieces. The pain was instant, unimaginable and unbearable. I wanted to scream in agony but I found I had no voice. In surprise, I went to clutch my throat, to find I had no hands. My vision whipped around wildly. I had no substance what-so-ever. I was no longer attached to a body. Images filtered through me at breakneck speed. Barely able to grasp a hold on one before it changed, I quickly resigned myself to the overwhelming influx of sights. 

A man. He lent towards me, breaking my train of thought, sweat on his brow, breath jagged and shallow.

The image shattered. 

His feather light hand tracing the lining of my skirt, sneaked daringly beneath its folds causing a breathless laugh to escape my lips. Trembling, I lent against him, allowing his searching fingers to grasp my thigh and kneed the delicate skin there, sending an electric current to my core. 

A crack! sounded through the air and the image changed again.  

A noise echoed through the dark deserted hallway, halfway between a gasp of surprise and moan of pleasure.

what was happening? A build up of pressure began to obscure my focus. 

 My fingers ran over the muscles in his bulging arms to roughly grab two strong broad shoulders. Moaning, I begged for him - a fact I would no doubt be embarrassed about later when I was able to think clearly. At this moment, a desired laced fog clouded my mind, rendering me incapable of logical thoughts. 

The pressure stretched to intangible heights. If I had ears they would've popped now. Or maybe they would be bleeding. Just when I thought I should've passed out, the pressure stopped. Relief washed through me and I struggled through the disorientation. The next image became startlingly clear. It was of the same man as before but he was speaking to me now. Only, I couldn't hear what he was saying, just the soundless movement of his month let me know he was talking. I was pressed against a wall, help captive in his arms. 

 " I have wandered this earth for over a millennium, lost and alone. I have done unspeakable things and I fear our God is no longer with me but with whatever power I have left I swear this. I love you, Amica Mea. Until my heart stops beating, until the blood stops pumping in my veins, until our God deserts me and heavens brightest star dies. I am yours - and you are mine."

I stretched further, detaching from his shoulders and leaning impossibly forward, like a lynx cat unfurling its long limbs. Somehow I knew what I would find behind the broad planes of tanned skin and I longed for it eagerly. Laden with a unfathomable desire, I stroked my fingertips through magnificent raven black feathers. 

"I am yours - and you are mine."

Then I woke up.