I Never Knew

Chapter 21

"Nya, your hair!" I gasp.

It's unevenly cut at her shoulders. On the floor lay beautiful strands of her once long locks.

"What happened?" I murmur, placing my hands on her shoulders.

She shoves me away. "Don't touch me! If it upsets you even to see me, you certainly shouldn't touch me!"

"Nya, I'm here for you. I love you. Of course, I want to get close."

"Well, you shouldn't!" She wipes her eyes with her sleeve, and I notice she has one of my sweatshirts draped over her shoulders.

"Jay, I know you think everything can go back to normal now that Lloyd's in his right mind, but it can't."

I get that I'm a guy and my brain works differently than hers, but this doesn't even seem logical. "Why?"

"I realized something last night, Jay. I'm toxic. When people get to know me, they get burned. They get...killed."

My forehead wrinkles. "That doesn't make sense. You're not toxic. Sure, you can have an attitude, but your friends love your sass." To a degree, at least.

"I'm not talking about being snarky! I told my dad I hated him! I wasn't willing to break up with you to save the team!"

"You...shouldn't have to?"

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, so my love life is more important than saving my friends from imminent danger?"

"Well, I get it, but now that it's over – "

"I'm messed up, Jay," she sighs. "I haven't changed since the accident. I don't think I can be close to people. Not until this girl inside me disappears."

I wrap my arms around her. "She doesn't have to. Just because you exploded at your dad doesn't mean you were a bad person. It means you were human."

She wriggles out of my grasp. "If being human means other people die, I don't want to be that anymore." She turns her back on me, giving me a full view of her messy, badly cut hair. "It's over, Jay."

"But I love you!"

She turns toward me, and her face softens. "You have so much love to go around, I have faith you can find someone far better than me. Someone more worthy of your heart." Her voice wobbles, as though the thought upsets her.

If she doesn't want me to leave, why does she hope I'll find a new love?

"But I don't want anyone else!" I argue.

"You would, once you saw the true extent of my – "

Desperately, I do the one thing that might save our relationship: I place my arm around the small of her back and touch my lips to hers.

The kiss is passionate, longing, hopeful. I try to show her just how much of my love she owns with the touch.

She gives up and kisses me back, but it feels like goodbye.

And then, she breaks contact.

Her eyes stare into mine. "I lied, Jay. I do love you. I won't ever forget the time we had, but I'm not going to break you. Not like I'm broken. We're over."

"No, Nya, please. Don't do this to us." My voice is pained, whiney.

"I'm not doing it to us. I'm doing it for you." She guides me to the door. "I'll see you later."