The Lonely Hawke ~ Book 1 ~ [Complete]

Chapter 15

Sitting down on a cushioned chair, I propped my feet up on the ottoman that I had demanded for Alistair to bring out here. I laid the red book on my legs, reaching over the armrest; I snatched up the quill and ink that I stashed under the chair. This was the first time I had written in any book since I was in Kirkwall. That memoir was now in the hands of Varric. Unlatching the metal clasp on the book, I opened to cover to fine paper that still had the intricate design from the tree it had been created from. With one hand I dunked the quill in the ink whilst the over held the book open, using the quill was easier than I remembered.

Dear journal,

Alistair is all I have left. It scares me just as much as knowing that I am all he has, excluding his country of course. It shouldn't be this way, we shouldn't be lonely together it's worse than being lonely all by myself because I'm constantly terrified that's he's going to leave me. At least when I was on my own I only had myself to think of.

It's hard living in a castle. It's so quiet. So boring. It doesn't feel like home even though I want it too, badly. I hate having the maids do everything for me; only last week did Alistair order me to apologize to my hand-servant when I yelled at her for trying to clean my blades. It was humiliating and I deserved it, but I avoided him for nearly two days.

I've been writing to my cousin, Charade, Uncle Gamlen's daughter. She's getting married and I'm invited. Something to look forward to, I guess. I'll be glad when I get out of this castle; I'm almost tempted to escape over the walls now, and head to the tavern. The thought of a nice cold pint of ale down my throat is mouth watering.

It's almost morning so I better get back into bed before Alistair wakes up and finds me not there.

After shutting the journal I leaned over the armrest and placed the quill and ink back under the chair. Morrigan suddenly came to mind; I hadn't heard a thing from her since she deserted us in the fight against Anders and his blood mages. Anger still burned in my veins from her betrayal. I couldn't help but think that circumstances may have been different if she hadn't run off. Yet in truth I wasn't even surprised by her betrayal, it was Letecia that really hurt me. She had promised to stand by me to the end; I thought we had grown close; she had encouraged me to go forward. I was going to find them, confront them. However, right this second I didn't know how or what I was going to do if I did find them. I only knew one person who could help me but she was traipsing around Thedas' and I had no idea where to start looking.

The night breeze was relaxing against the small headache creeping into my. I had no desire to even move from this chair. Curling my legs up under me and using my arms as a pillow on the armrest, I rested my head on them and closed my eyes. I didn't know when I fell asleep but when the dreams came, it was a nice surprise to find that it wasn't the usual nightmare. It was the same field as what was supposedly the vision I had seen before, flowers of many colors covered the ground, and it filled my nose with a sense of sweetness and beauty. I could hear birds singing lovely tunes that filled my heart with joy. But what really made this dream even more desirable was Bethany, who stood in a white frilly dress extending her arms out to me.

If it wasn't for Anders standing beside her I would have ran into her embrace. He was smiling, as if nothing had happened, as if he didn't kill Bethany. He took a step towards Bethany and the smile on his face turned into a sadistic grin. I choked back a scream when he drew a blade from his robes. What horrified me more was that Bethany was still smiling; her arms were still waiting for me. She seemed completely unaware of Anders, of the knife in his hands. The scream didn't come even when he grabbed Bethany around the throat but what was even more confusing was the smile still on her face, and her willingness to go into his arms.

Anders smoothed the hair from Bethany's shoulders exposing the glowing skin of her neck. He leaned down and pressed his lips against her throat, I almost thought he was going to bite her when I heard a suckling sound. Bethany's body started to sag and her skin seemed to tighten as if her blood was being sucked out of her. It was exactly like what happened over four months ago, Bethany was being murdered right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, but worst of all, I couldn't keep my eyes from hers. I was watching the life drain so clearly from her, yet I couldn't stop it because I was weak. Anders suddenly pushed Bethany away from him; she wobbled idly before collapsing to the ground. Lifting his head to look at me he grinned, then the screams finally escaped my throat. "Cameron." A voice whispered dreamily.