2010 was the year I started to lose myself. It was the year I fell for a trap I call "love". It slowly consumed myself...slowly that everytime I look in the mirror, I don't see myself anymore.
My smile, my laugh was far different from who I was used to be. I'm slowly fading away from light until darkness fully consumed me.
The trap I call love destroyed me. I lose everything because of it. My life, my face, my reputation, my friends, my family, myself. Everything.
I was blinded by anger, I was blinded by pain. I started to create wall that no one, no one could ever destroy. I build that wall to protect myself. I surrounded myself with pure darkness, I was lost. I can't find the light, I can't find the right path to get out from the hell.
Or I was afraid getting out of that darkness? I don't know. Slowly... I found myself. I found the self I lost for letting myself to fall in that sick trap called love.
My pain and agony, my anger and fear slowly melted away. I learned to forgive...I learned to forget. I managed to find myself. I managed to bring back the smile I used to wear before, I managed to laugh like I used to be. I managed to locate the old me that was lost.
The wall I built to protect myself was slowly breaking down. 5 years, 5 years of darkness. 5 years of being the prisoner of my own past, mistakes and stupidity.
I managed to stand on my own, live alone. I managed to be okay, I managed to not depend on anyone. I can drive myself, I can feed myself, I can do everything with my own.
I believe I can.
Not when someone knocked me out. Snap me out of my reverie that I actually can't. I can't actually live on my own. I need someone to depend to, to talk to, to be with during cold nights, during lonliness strikes.
I actually needed someone and because of him, I realized that I wasn't happy all along. I met someone who swayed my feet away, who gives me reason to sleep at night with a smile on my face, someone that makes me smile every morning I woke up. Someone I can talk to, someone I can be with... someone that made me fall for another trap I call love.
This time, I knew better. I pushed the thought of me being shattered over again. I put my trust even without assurance, even without a solid promise that him and I are on the same boat.
I saw the signs, I felt that this is another trap but instead of running away and stopping myself for another massive heartbreak I found myself lying comfortably on his lies.
I was so sure... so sure of him.
And welcome to another hellish life.
Since I was young, I hated womens who fall for a married man or even a man that is in a relationship. Mistress is so cliche and vague but that was the term they used to.
I see them as stupid, brainless motherfucker who destroys someones relationship, a wrecker, a boob.
Little did I know, I was the mistress.
I became the person I lothed to be. I become the second best, the second priority...the spare tire. I didn't knew all along that I was the second base, the second home.
I wanted to confront him. I wanted to yell, I wanted to slap him as I hard as I could for putting me into a situation that I hated the most. In my entire life I thought that I was a smart women, I thought I was the cunning one, a great women with pride and dignity.
But I wasn't.
I was a fool. I am a fool.
Few nights of thinking I realized that all along it was never his fault. It was my mistake for letting him into my life. It was my mistake for not asking, it was my mistake for putting to much trust.
The blame is on me. Not on him.
For the past 5 years, I managed to collect every piece of me that was lost and broke. And in a split second, in a blink of an eye, I lost it again.
It took me 5 years to rebuild myself but it only took a second for him to destroy it. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout. It's just that, I got no tears anymore, I got no voice. All I have as of the moment was pure heavy heart that is slowly consuming me.
I'm afraid that one day, one fucking day, I don't see myself again in the mirror. I can't wear the smile I always wear, I'm afraid that one day I'll be faking everything again.
I don't want to suffer. I don't want to experience again that pain I had for the past 5 years because I'm not sure if I'll be able to rebuild this self again.
I'm not sure if I still can.
Because right now... I felt numb. I felt empty. I feel nothing.
And I'm afraid that the tiny line that separates intelligent and madness on my brain will end and madness will succumb me.
I'm lost... lost out of nowhere.
Please...save me. I can't do this anymore.
