I'm happy.
I'm okay.
I'm fine.
Believe me.
But no, I'm not okay.
I'm happy with myself.
The way I look, my personality, and myself in general.
I'm happy with my family, my friends, and my schoolwork.
I'm happy.
Until I look at my relationships.
Broken.
Twisted.
Stupidity.
Messed up.
Lonely.
That's where I am today.
Lonely.
Why?
It's not like I don't try.
Because trust me, I try.
Never too much. Never too little.
I play my cards.
This game called life.
But I can't win when it feels like I'm losing.
The battle I face everyday is being alone for another day.
Do I really want to be alone?
No. Not at all.
Did I push myself here?
Yea. I guess.
I just want someone I like and they like me.
Isnt that what everyone wants?
Did I push anyone away?
No.
But that doesn't matter right?
All you want to hear is
"You're right. I'm wrong."
But I'm not saying it.
I'm not even going to give you one ounce of satisfaction.
I'm not going to let you think you're right.
I never was like this before.
I opened up easier.
I laughed a talked more.
But now,
I stay quiet.
I keep to myself.
I've built a wall so high, I've buried myself.
I'm so quiet now that if I made a sound, no one would hear me.
Truth be told, I'm scared.
Of myself.
The fear of, if I let someone within these walls,
I'll be vulnerable again.
I can't be vulnerable.
Because then I will lose at this game.
This game that I'm playing with myself.
A war.
I'm at war with myself.
What do i want?
What do WE want?
Love.
We crave true love.
Although I know I wont find for years to come,
I can still dream.
I've been in the same place,
All my life.
I've seen everything twice.
The games we play.
I've seen this game be played so easily.
So now, here I am.
Running.
Running so far away.
I can't stop.
I don't know where I'm going exactly.
And I don't care.
But I do know what I am chasing.
And I won't stop.
Not until I've got it.
So,
Am I really happy?
Yes. In almost all aspects.
Am I really okay?
Yes. Just a little lost.
Am I really fine?
Yes. Just still chasing it.
Am I telling the truth?
No.
