HOW TO MAINTAIN ILLUSIONS

HORE OG MADONNA ¹

You wore a neon green long sleeve shirt under a black 'Friends' graphic tee. I remember wondering if you actually liked the show, or if it was simply because it looked cool. I learned later that you'd never seen it, so I made you sit with me every weekend for two months till we had watched all the episodes. Your favorites were Rachel and Monica, but I always liked Ross better.

The boy—Seonghwa—seems taken aback by Jongho's presence, and almost... almost slightly offended that he was there.

"I'm Jongho," Jongho says. "Hongjoong's— uh, friend."

Seonghwa doesn't answer. He looks Jongho up and down, eyes dark, just standing there drenched like a drowned cat.

Jongho can feel the seconds ticking by.

When Seonghwa doesn't offer any response, Jongho continues, "well—" He coughs, "Seonghwa-ssi, what are you doing here?"

"I came to see Hongjoong, actually," says Seonghwa. "I left my wallet here last night, and he said I could come by and get it today. He didn't tell me he would have company."

"Oh, well, Seonghwa-ssi, you- you can- yeah... I- I don't know where it is, but, you're- uh- welcome to look," Jongho flounders, cheeks red.

It wasn't my finest moment, I must admit. But the way your eyes never left my face when I talked made me... not uncomfortable, but it made me awkward.

I wish I knew what you were thinking in that moment, when your name left my lips for the first time. Did you know? Did you know what you would mean to me? Did you know I would bend over and break my back for you the moment I laid eyes on you? You probably did. It was written all over my face, I was just too dumb to notice.

"I didn't accuse you of taking it, Jongho-ssi," Seonghwa says, eyes full of mirth, enjoying how Jongho squirms under his heavy gaze.

"Well, no- I didn't think that," says Jongho. "You can- Uhm, as I said, go ahead and look for it. You- uh, you can to dry off too... if you want. I don't know, I don't live here."

"You're assuming that I'm staying?"

"No! No- I was just- uh," Jongho fumbles, twiddling with the cord of his headset, not able to form a coherent sentence without stumbling over his words.

"Relax," says Seonghwa, "I'm joking." He kicks off his shoes and places them by the door. He removes the elastic from his hair before raking his hand through it, making the wet strands fall into his eyes.

"I can go see it, uh, if... Hongjoong-hyung probably has some clothes that fit," Jongho says. "I'll go look."

"Thank you," Seonghwa says, but Jongho doesn't hear it, already scurrying away in embarrassment.

The cheerful Animal Crossing soundtrack was still playing softly in the background and made the whole interaction seem like a silly movie-scene. It was almost comical. But only almost.

The clothes I lent you were too small, most of Hongjoong's clothes were. The black t-shirt clung to your chest, accentuating your muscles, and the sweatpants ended mid-calf. But I gave you one of my zip-up hoodies, the purple one with small kittens placed on the pockets, so you didn't look completely ridiculous. I don't think you could ever look ridiculous though, even if you tried.