Life of Saint

Drowning

¨I am so sorry nong saint, I had no idea that was happening, but now, everything will be okay, I promise, everything is okay, it's just us now, I'm so sorry¨ said P'Chen once we were in my house.

¨it's okay P', I know, I'm glad it's over.¨

It wasn't.

It was not even close to be over.

I went inside my room and put some shorts, took my shirt off and went to the garden.

Without even thinking about anything I jumped to the pool.
The cold water seemed to calm down the burning inside.

In an effort to shut down the voices inside my head.

I sat down as much as I could in the bottom.

It worked.
It was quiet.

I think I will stay here for a while.

I started feeling a certain weight in my chest, I got up, took some air and went down again.

I closed my eyes and let the water pressure relieve my stress.

I didn't know I had been crying until I needed air again and went up.

Took a deep breath  and went down again.

It was not fair.

P'New, P'Chen, everyone had worked so hard and in 1 second it went away, its not fair at all.

I just couldn't understand why.

What's the point.

Why do they need to harm people.

Why me.

I never did nor said anything wrong.

I was just doing my job.

We all were.

I heard a faint splash and opened my eyes, there was a blurry figure in the water.

He swam close to me, grabbed my cheeks with his hands .

He looked very worried.

As if he was panicking.

He pulled me up and I gasped for air.

¨what are you doing here?¨I said once I had enough air.

¨trying to stop you from killing yourself!, what the fuck were you thinking saint?, do you think this is the solution huh!? Do you think you dying will fix things?¨

¨Perth please, go home, I have no more strength¨

¨no, I'm not leaving, please, let me help you¨

¨JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU WANT TO HELP ME RIGHT? THEN GO, PRETEND I DIED, AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ME, I NEVER EXISTED, I DIED, SO PLEASE FORGET ABOUT ME, DO YOU THINK THIS CAN BE FIXED?!, IT Can't, SO PLEASE JUST LEAVE! ¨

I exploded, I know its not his fault, but, having him near will just destroy me, and I can't, I can't throw everything I've been working so hard for, not like this.

¨I'm so sorry¨

¨just go, please, forget about me, and let me forget you¨

He started crying , I know I was a sobbing mess myself.

he walked close to me, he grabbed my shoulders, his arm went up my neck, he pulled me down and we kissed, I had never kissed anyone like this before, crying, and sobbing, it was so intimate.

I felt his stress, fear and desperation through his kiss.

I hugged his waist and he deepened the contact.

There we were;  outside  in my garden at 12 am kissing like nothing else mattered.

Hugging like nothing else mattered.

A proper goodbye kiss.

It hurt.

He is after all my first love.

I don't know if I am his, or if he even likes me, I have no idea how much or how less  this is  affecting him.

¨I love you, it will always be you saint, no matter what else I do, how old I get, always you¨

He said between kisses.

It somehow felt pressured

fake

hurried

¨I'm staying over¨

I opened my eyes and started shaking  my head in fear.

The last thing I want or need is his manager in my home.

¨He thinks I'm with my grandmother, he wont bother me for 2 days, and your mum went to Chiang Mai, I'm staying¨

We shared another kiss while stumbling to get to my room, once inside I took his shirt off and he pushed me to the bed, despite him being smaller than me, our roles were him on top, it's not like I didn't like it but after all he is my first time and I'm still trying to figure it out.

I could feel him caressing my skin, kissing every bit of my body.

I know I should be happy but I can't, I just can't, I keep having his managers face in my head.

I slowly pushed him away while he sat down on my hips.

¨I can't, I can't do this Perth, you should go¨

He stared at me while he was crying , arms hanging on his sides and with the  saddest look I have ever seen , after a minute he stood up, put on his shirt and jeans, turned to me and hugged me tight.

¨I have no way nor words to say how sorry I am; I love you ¨

He left.

And I could breathe again.

How sad is it that because of some people, the happiness of someone can be ruined and tainted like this?

They took my everything from me.