Letting Go

Prologue

"Part of loving you is letting you go."

Prologue

WITH TEARS streaming down my face, sitting while leaning back on my arms with a bottle of alcohol in my hand, on the sandy shore and staring at the horizon in front of me. A beautiful and calming wave of a deep royal blue crept towards me. The sun is about to set, and darkness would take over any minute now.

Oh! I wish the sky turns black already. I love the night because it's a special kind of blackness, the kind that wants only to hold the stars and help them to shine all the brighter, and let myself cry without anyone to notice how mess I am.

My teardrop fell and hit the soft white sand, and a cold feeling of sadness overwhelmed me as the sun dipped down below the horizon. The vast ocean in front of me was my home, where I belonged, a place to escape from my life away from the things that keeps me falling down.

If only my heart is not shattered into pieces now, I would have appreciated the scenery.

As I wipe away my tears, I took my phone from my pocket. Then I close my eyes and breathe slowly, washing away all the emotions.
As I open my eyes I made my mind clear and decide to start to delete all the pictures we have. Those are the memories I've been keeping for so long. As I do that, I decided to put away the memories I've poured over and over through my tears. They kept my hope alive, as if somehow that might keep him here, or hoping that we still have a chance to start over again.

"Ready naman ako na mangyayari 'to, but I didn't expect it could end sooner as I' ve expected." I should have known this... Kung nalaman ko lang agad na ganito pala kasakit."Sobrang sakit. Ang sakit-sakit." Tears keeps rolling down my face. Pinagbabayo ko ng kamao ang dibdib, na nagbabasakaling kapag sinaktan ang sarili, titigil na 'ko sa kahibangang ito.

Tinignan ko muli ang aking cell phone, '278 / 1097 deleting pictures...'

There's no turning back and made up my mind that this is really over. It's time to say goodbye. But each time the word 'goodbye' catches in my throat, you're still here in me, and I can't set you free here in my heart. "Bakit ang hirap-hirap mong kalimutan!?" sigaw ko sa karagatan na ngayon ay nawala na ang ganda, at napalitan na ng dilim. "Pagod na pagod na 'ko. Parang-awa mo na, ayoko na. Ayoko na maramdaman 'tong sakit. Sobrang sakit na. Hindi ko na kaya." binubulong ko na lang ang mga huling salita dahil sa pagod, kahit ang katawan ko'y pagod na pagod na. Halos konting lakas na lang ang mayro'n ako sa sandaling 'to. Halos wala rin akong kinain buong araw. Umiyak lang ako ng umiyak hanggang sa mapadpad ako dito sa dalampasigan.

Tinungga ko ang bote na naglalaman ng alak, na kanina ko pa hawak. "This is the hardest part of my decision, how do I start to live my life alone? When I built a castle full of dreams with you in it." What a big joke. I laugh at all my stupid dreams. Really stupid.

Inangat ko ang bote dahil napagtanto kong wala na pa lang laman 'yon. "Gaya ng pagmamahal ko sa sarili. Halos wala akong naitira. Wala na. Ubos na ubos. Hahahaha!" Humahalakhak ako na parang baliw na nakawala sa mental hospital. Bumibigat na rin ang talukap ng mga mata ko. Lasing na lasing na yata talaga ako.

Tumingala ako sa kalangitan habang patuloy pa rin sa pag-agos ng walang tigil ang aking mga luha. Never knew of pain like this, even though I've got to know and well aware of these things will happen, but it's still broke my heart.

I might hate these thoughts because I hate the idea of letting you go. But what I hate more is the way you let us go like it was all just nothing we shared. 

Though my life is falling down, I still believe that someday, someday... time can heal my heart. Through the midst of all of the pain I would face, I know that I will be okay. I know it's hard to do this, but I still need to.

I should think positively because maybe, we deserve better. We deserve someone better than each other.

"Hmmm... I guess part of loving you-*hik* is letting go."

I'm letting you go...