"Michael, you know I love you..." Ashton starts. "You know I do. And you know how much Calum and Luke mean to me. And I've always missed you, you all actually. I just don't need this in my life right now. Luke was like a brother to me and he always will be such a big part of my life, you all will and I just haven't talked to him in three years. I know I've been his bud for forever but losing Calum fucked with my mind so bad, you have no idea. I can't grieve over the loss of another person because I've never gotten past losing one of you boys and I never will. You don't get me. I still cry every night because the death of him and letting that fucking criminal shoot my dearest friend, I should've jumped in the way of the bullet. I was right there. Why couldn't it have been me? Like why him? He's never done anything wrong and he didn't deserve it, Mike. You don't know how often I think of that day. It's been three years. Three fucking years, Michael. I have nightmares when I am able to sleep, I dream of replays of the incident and I have to live with the pain each day. I'm so fucking screwed up." He tugs at his hair and signs. "I have some real fucking issues and I don't want the grieve of losing Luke as well. I can't let that get to me anymore, I need a new life. I need to move on, so if you don't plan on staying in my life forever I suggest you leave right now and never come talk to me again. I wish it could be different, Mike, I do but I'm sorry."
Ashton left a note to the public a week later which read: "Michael Gordon Clifford came to me when he found out about Luke's death. He probably came to me last week for support and in hope of earning back an old friend and I pushed him out, told him a bunch of shit about not wanting him in my life and left it at that when I knew perfectly well that we were going through the same thing. I tried to make it seem like the death of Luke wouldn't eat me alive but soon after I confirmed his death I didn't give a shit about my own life anymore and I didn't want to be alive. It's crazy how someone can mean so much one day and you shut them out and don't talk to them for the rest of your life, that's what happened between me and Luke and I very deeply regret that. I missed out on spending my days with the greatest person I know and he killed himself because of that pain I should've helped him through. You see we were all affected deeply by the murder of Calum Hood, which is something I've never realized until now. I didn't think of all the pain it caused the other mates which is selfish of me, I didn't think to go to the other boys when they were at their worst as well and maybe if I helped Luke, he would still be with us today. And a friend of mine helped me come to the realization of this. I should have kept in touch with the boys. I wanted too, really. But I was to scared and hurt. I didn't want to get hurt again so I distanced myself from people so they wouldn't hurt me anymore. I lost contact with my mother, my brother, my sister and anyone I used to be close with. I just want to say one last thing before I go, Luke and Calum's death had an everlasting effect on me and it turned me into a sad monster, I knew that wasn't the real me but I just didn't know how to be myself again after my depression got the best of me. I'm sorry to anyone I've let down over the past few years and anyone who cared about me that I pushed away. I really love my mom, Ann-Marie Irwin, and my siblings Harry and Lauren. I honestly do and I know I'm going to put them through a world of hurt for doing this but I have too, I'm so sorry. By the time anyone read this I've probably already killed myself"
He left the note in his bedroom and it was found soon after by Ashton's little sister. Lauren Irwin rushed around the house, searching for her brother, in need of closure. Tears rushed down her face but she found him nowhere. She opened the front door, not knowing where to look next, almost giving up hope. The tears poured out like waterfalls and she remembered someplace she hadn't checked. She rushed to the barn in back of his house and pulled open the door. Ashton stood silently, with his back turned to Lauren.
"Ash." She said with a gasp. "Ashton." She rushed over to him and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around.
"Hi." He said in a whisper. I wrapped my arms around him tightly.
"Ashton, you scared me!" She still cried.
"Lauren, leave me alone. This is my decision."
"Ashton. I thought you knew already..." He didn't answer.
"Nic told me too, Lauren. I'm really scared."
"Ashton, where is Nic now? Is he in the room?" Ashton didn't answer, rather he simply turned his head to me. After a few minutes, Ashton nodded. He looked terrified. "Ashton, let's go back to mom's."
"No, Lauren. Stop. I have to do this, Nic will never leave me alone if I don't!" Ashton started crying, he looked dead into my eyes and frowned. I smiled at him.
"Nic. Fuck, Ashton! There is no Nic. There never has been a Nic. After the murder of Calum Hood, and you stopped talking to like everyone you know, you replaced the loss with this imaginary person you call Nic. He is not real, Ash. You need to grasp that fact."
There was a long pause and Ashton shook his head slowly.
"Okay, fine. Whatever." He took a deep breath and finally let Lauren drag him to his mother's house.
You see, my name is Nic Bergram, a made up name that Ashton gave after he lost one of his brothers to the cold, hard world. I am nothing more but the over imaginative mind of Ashton's. Killing himself was his own choice yet he doesn't realize that he made up his own mind, as a figment of his imagination I can't force him to do anything. I am forced to only tell him what he wants to hear. You can blame me for his suicide if you like, because if you believe in me too, I am only allowed to tell you what you want to hear as well.
Ashton had killed himself two months after leaving his mother's house.
As for Michael, he was affected by all of the boys' deaths but he eventually forced himself to stop thinking about it. He shut off the memories of Ashton, Calum and Luke and let himself get the help he needed. He still has nightmares sometimes about the boys but he has never gone into to much detail about it, as he doesn't want the public to worry. He keeps in touch with me and comes to me for help in his times of trouble, but as I said, I can only tell him what he allows me to tell him but he is doing alright for losing the three most important friends in his life within three years. He became serious with a girl named Isabella, but soon dumped her and told the public he was gay. He forced himself into a relationship with a man by the name of Christopher but he only told me that he was never truly happy. He tried filling the void of missing the boys but that spot in his heart could never be filled.
Snowball Effect
Start from the beginning
