Sort Me Out :: Ksimon

Part 6: You & Me

"No, I'm not mad. You were upset, I've been there." Craig nods, his nails scrapping against my scalp lightly brings me back from my thoughts.

"I'm still... sorry 'bout that, anyway. It's not fair to you..." I say lightly, shifting closer to him as I look down again. "... but it's not just that, I think, maybe I should have waited and talked to him. What if..." I shake my head, my voice cracking at the end.

"JJ is a big boy, he can take care of himself. And you both said some shitty things to each other, I think you both just needed the time to cool off..." Craig paused for a moment to yawn, which makes me yawn in return, "... You two should talk with a clear head."

I nod, I get it, but I also had no idea what to say to him. I wanted us, I wanted to be with JJ but I don't know if we should. Maybe we should just stay friends, but how do you do that after the things we did together? I honestly don't even know what JJ wanted with me to be fair, I know he's not into guys. Certainly not someone like me, but then why did he do all of this? Why would he let me... why would he sleep with me? I don't know, and that was the worst part. My mind just kept yelling all these possibilities at me, making so overwhelmed. I'm tired, and hungry and I just want to see JJ's face.

Fresh tears slide down over my cheeks, my lips trembling as I press them together. Trying to hold it in, but I can't, defiantly not with Craig here his hand now running up and down my back. The pressure enough to calm me,  letting me know it was okay to cry, that he was here. It was what I needed.

"How are we supposed to... talk 'bout it.. when I don't even know what to say?" I question, as if Craig would have all the answers. 

I was just so desperate for answers, needing to know what to do and say. Should I continue to be selfish allowing myself to keep indulging with JJ or should I let him go, let him be happy how he was meant to be, with someone else. Someone who he wouldn't have to explain, not only to his following, but also to all our friends.

"You'll know what to say when you see him." Craig chimes in then and I shake my head, rubbing at my raw eyes. 

I wasn't sure I could even look JJ in the face right now, I was broken and tired. So ashamed of acting like some clingy asshole the past few days. It was my fault, the fight, no matter how I hated to see him kissing someone else. Or the fact he said some shitty things. If I had just let it all go and relaxed a little I wouldn't have pushed him to feel as if I didn't trust him. That was not the truth, it wasn't that I didn't trust him, but the fact that I knew I wasn't worth him being faithful. I never felt good enough, my whole life, I wasn't enough. So, how was I supposed to be enough for him? 

"How about, right now, we just think about breakfast?" Craig says, leaning close to me, his arm around me as he still rubs at my back. I could feel his breath on my face, it was enough to calm my mind for now. Pressing my face into his neck, I nod, not wanting to talk anymore.

--

My legs are up on the chair, my arms wrapped around them as I look through my notifications. Some were just from apps, but a few were texts from Toby and Ethan, and Josh. Then one or two from Harry and Vik. Some was normal stuff, but a few seemed rather worried and I wonder how much they knew. Did they know? Would JJ have spoken to them about me running away? Did they know? My head is rushing so fast I feel sick.

Then I see it, a text from JJ.

[ Jide ]: please call me so I know you're okay. I know your pissed, please simon, lets just talk.

My heart is thudding fast in my chest, so he knew that I knew about the article. Or was it just about what we said to each other at the club? He must have seen it, those stupid attached pictures. Was he texting that from her bed? Christ, I'm so stupid. I rub my hand over my face and into my hair as I drop my head to rest on my knees. My phone hanging limply between my hands.