ABCD || Iwaoi ||

-B-

Because of you.

Tooru, you absolute idiot. Do you know how sad I was because of you?

I told you about my girlfriend, and I could feel the air change. I could see that slight frown in your smile. I could see the truth behind your eyes. It hurt me.

It hurt knowing I hurt you.

I was having a tough time back then. I invited you out for dinner at one point during our college years. do you remember that?

It was painful to see you so pale, so tired. You weren't yourself. You didn't even call me "Iwa-chan" anymore. It was just Hajime, straight up Hajime. So many thoughts started to pile up in my head, and I felt scared.

Back then, I didn't know why I felt scared, I just did. I understand why now.

I was afraid of losing you, and I didn't even know it.

I considered you a best friend back then, my closest friend. I loved you, but I believed it was the platonic type. I was stupid, you know? One day I'm calling you Trashykawa, the next I'm scared to even talk to you.

I believed with all my heart those days that Sanae was the one making me happy, I really did. For some time, I guess that was true. That was only for a short time, though.

I didn't even deny it. I didn't try to tell myself otherwise. I could spend the day laughing and talking with my girlfriend, but you're still the one who occupied my thoughts at night. I still loved you, and I loved you in the way I never thought I would.

You can call me dumb, or stupid, or a jerk. I don't care, because I deserve it. I hurt you back then, and I probably ended up hurting Sanae as well. I wanted to bang my head into the wall and pass out, knowing that I hurt you, the person most precious to me, the one I grew up loving.

That's why I was terrified.

I couldn't sleep at night thinking about how you were never active on your social media, or how you archived all your posts. You never answered any of my texts or my calls, and not even Makki and Mattsun knew what was happening.

Everything felt wrong. It felt painful.

I couldn't bear the thought of you slowly being driven into madness because of what I did. I hated the fact that you could possibly fade away and leave this world because of my lack of action, because of my decision to leave you alone and give you space.

I regretted my decision even more when I found out what had happened to you.

Your sister called me in the middle of night, screaming, crying, in pain. I remember dropping my mug, not caring that the coffee in it almost burned my feet. I was too shocked.

It seemed like it was only yesterday when I found out that you'd tried to drown yourself in the bathtub. I had a sudden realization.

"Oh, so this was why I had that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach"

I remember bursting through the front door, almost getting into an accident while I drove to the hospital. I wanted to see you. You were the only thing on my mind. At that point, I don't think I even remembered having a girlfriend. She didn't exist in my mind.

I just wanted you.

Your sister was sobbing when I got there. Your mother was beside her, shaking. None of us knew what was going on.

I was shivering, I was cold, I was scared. So many things were running through my head, so much guilt was welling up in my heart. I regretted it. I regretted being stupid enough to not realize that I hurt you.

I was crying because of you.