sweet [awsten knight]

1.2 // Deep Red

"I feel like shit," I told him, taking another sip and watching him nod slowly. 

"Assumed. We heard what happened last night." Oh, so this wasn't about my illness and the fact that I could barely speak or breathe without coughing or sniffling, this was about last night. I don't know if that made me feel better or worse about everything. I knew I could talk to Geoff about anything, he was basically my dad on tour and I would consider him one of my best friends.

"You did?" I gulped down the last of my tea, looking up at him sort of scared to see what he had to say.

"Yeah, you guys were pretty loud," He laughed, adjusting himself for a second before continuing, "I think you need to let him do his own thing with the music right now, you may not have noticed but he's been really stressed out about the label and the deadlines."

I didn't notice, how did I not notice? He was stressed the last few days, staying up later than normal, waking up tired as ever. He was always on his laptop or his phone, mumbling or trying to write out chords that worked. He hasn't been tweeting as often as usual, and sometimes after a show, he would lock himself in the back for an hour or two before coming out to hang with everyone before we went to bed.

I was too caught up in over-analyzing everything he wrote to even comprehend the fact that he was going through emotional turmoil writing this album. I was too selfish to think about WHAT he was writing about me, instead of thinking about HOW he was writing it. He always explained to me how writing was recording was his thing, something he escaped in and let out all his emotions in because he wasn't an overly emotional person to people.

I never thought to ask him how he was feeling, how he felt writing the album. I felt terrible, I tried to make a big deal out of something I didn't even know about and got pissy when he didn't show me. I felt like a child, I wanted to apologize, but after realizing that he probably stayed up late I shouldn't bother him to wake him up with my apology.

I wanted to apologize before we left for Amsterdam, I didn't want to sit on the flight with any hard feelings. I knew how he felt about his music, and his emotions, so I knew he wouldn't get over our little problem last night.

"I had no idea..." I finally let out, looking up at Geoff. 

"Yeah, what he said he probably didn't mean, but he likes to keep all that stuff kind of private. It's like his baby," He shrugged "don't be so bummed about it though, I'm sure you're gonna like what he's writing." He smirked at the end of the sentence before getting up and walking away. 

I sighed to myself, getting up and rinsing my cup in the small sink and placing it on the counter, moving to the fridge where I grabbed a reusable mask from the box that was on top. I quickly put on the mask and walked outside, hoping the fresh morning air of Brighton would ease my mind a bit. I didn't have to worry about packing considering a barely ever took anything out of my suitcase, so I had a little bit of time to kill before we had to get driven to the airport.

The venue we were still parked at was close to the water, so I decided to walk the block down to the shore. I decided to stay on land, not wanting to get sand in the sneakers that I barely put on. I looked like a mess, probably, but it was early enough that almost no one was out walking around the shore, especially with it being so cold. I turned, making sure I could see the bus from where I stood leaning against the mint green dividers that separated me from the sand.

The slight wind made me shiver but they made me realize I was alive, and here, in Brighton, England with the only guy I managed to fall madly in love with after my ex. No matter what Awsten decided to write, I knew it was just a physical and audio representation of what was going through his mind, past, present, and future. I couldn't possibly fight with his emotions. It would be incredibly selfish of me to get mad at him writing songs about his ex-girlfriend, regardless of when they inevitably broke up. It was a point in time in his life that affected him greatly, and I couldn't let him continue to think those memories by blocking him from writing them out and releasing them.

I couldn't be overthinking the names of possible songs, the fact that he hadn't shown me a thing, the fact that Geoff seemed to know the ins and outs of our relationship better than I did. I couldn't be mad. Except for maybe the Geoff part, I loved him but he seems to know a little too much.

I giggled to myself, shaking my head at the thought of me being mad at Geoff. I could never be mad at him, he's done a lot for me on tour, and in the last hour honestly. I'd let him know the inner-workings out mine and Awsten's relationship if he wanted to know.

I gripped the mint poles, my fingers freezing slightly but It helped bring me back to reality in a way. Listening to the waves crash against the shore, the seagulls that were squawking, the car that passed by every once in a while. It was nice, so I leaned my head against the bars with my eyes closed listening to everything around me.

"Stella?"

I N S T A G R A M

stellataylor but when it comes to you, my world is red

::comments::

fan1: girl why are you up so early

fan2: I SEE IN SHADES OF GREY LOSING MY MIND AGAIN

fan3: please please please tell me she's not going on the mayday leg of the tour too...

fan4: woah this is like... pretty....