july.

body image.

TW: eating disorders! starving, self harm, extremely serious topics!!

when did my body image become so bad?
when was the time that my brain decided it didn't want to eat anymore?

growing up, i was ashamed of my body.
my spine stuck out without me bending,
my ribs showed.

i ate enough. so why was i so skinny?

now i sit, age 18.
i hate my body.
i hate my body so badly.
i want to cut it up into tiny pieces.
i want to never see my body again.

i dissect myself every chance i get,
staring at what i wish it could be.

i want to be tiny.
i want to be so tiny that people talk about it.
i want to be so skinny that people are concerned.

i knew it was bad when i saw my six year old niece and thought, "why aren't my legs that small?"
i condemned myself and made myself stop, but it lingered.

when did it happen?

i eat, and i eat when i can, but the thought is always there.

every time i eat i feel the resentment.
my skin feels greasy and
i feel physically heavy.

i hate eating.

i just want to explain this to others but i cant.
they force me to eat,
i already do.
they compliment my body,
talking about my body makes it worse.

i don't want to exist.
i wish my body was nothing.
wish i didn't exist.

but here i am.