So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 43

I could feel James looking at me.

"I dunno what to say," he said quietly, his hands reaching towards me imploringly. "We weren't supposed to ever have this conversation. I didn't think I've ever have another chance at a life with you."

"Would you have done things differently?" I spat. "Slept with less women?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "Yes, of course I would have done things different. But that wasn't the plan Lei...I wasn't countin' on our paths ever crossin' again. If I'd known I'd have a chance with you again. If I could take it all back—"

"You can't take it back!" I shouted. "You can't take any of it back!" We stared at each other for long moments. "Making love," I continued forlornly, "it...it was supposed to be for us—you and me—forever. But you...you left me, and then you went out and shared that with...with...with all those women."

I stopped talking, staring down at the ground in misery.

"Dontcha think I think about you with other guys?" I looked up him to see his eyes shadowed with pain. "You slept with other people too Leila."

"And I felt ashamed over it, like I was cheating. How fucking rich is that?"

"And you think I didn't?"

"Certainly not enough to stop."

He turned away, his good hand clenching and unclenching in agitation as he paced. 

Stopping suddenly, he swung back around and stalked towards me. "You wanna know the truth?" His eyes were blazing with frustration. "Yer right, I did fuck around. Because for half a second, I could almost forget everything that I'd done. For half a second, I'd pretend I was with you, and I'd feel almost good. But it wasn't you, no matter how much I'd try and pretend. And every fuckin' time I'd fuckin' hate myself even more, like I was pissin' on all the love I feel for you." He paused then, and when he spoke again, his voice was low and rough. "After a while, I didn't know how to feel normal if I wasn't hatin' myself like that."

I sucked in a sharp breath at his words, but I didn't know what to say. We were at an impasse, and I had no idea how to get around it.

"Maybe we should spend some time apart." I could barely get the words out.

James' face fell as he shook his head in denial. "No Lei, please. I can't, I can't—"

"I think it's for the best," I interjected quickly, though I didn't really think that at all. "It's all so much...and I need to figure things out."

He reached out and cupped my face, forcing me to meet his tormented gaze. My heart shattered at the hurt I saw there. "Leila, I just got you back. I can't lose you again."

Tears were gathering in my eyes, but I blinked them back. "I got caught up bein' with you again Jamie...and I forgot for a little while...that you...you weren't mine. I...I have to figure out how to be ok with that. Cuz right now...I'm not ok."

"Please baby...don't...don't do this."

"I'm sorry Jamie"—pulling out of his grasp, I took a step back—"I need to go."

Without waiting for a response, I turned and hurried away before I could change my mind.

~

Somehow I found the dressing room assigned to the GNR backup singers. Thankfully, Roberta and Tracey seemed to be occupied elsewhere, or maybe they'd gone back to the hotel to rest; I was just grateful to have a quiet refuge where I could think about the fight I'd just had with Jamie.