Find Me (between the lines- a sequel to call me by your name)

The Leave

 I stepped down onto the station. It was warm, slightly laced with moisture. I was still reeling from the emotional rush I had suddenly felt in midst of my journey long dream. I was aware of the tingling sensation at the base of my palms. It was silent, just three people sitting around lazily. I wanted to sit down as well, overwhelmed at the scenery. It reminded me of something. Some distant memory crawling through. It made me feel dizzy, almost lightheaded. I rushed out.

I was still thinking about my father. I knew that the only bond between my parents apart from music and literature was me. And leaving to pursue music made me concerned. I knew that as soon as I would leave, they would either fade into strangers or might forget themselves and live ambiguous lives. And they are not like that.

I was happy for my father that he had found Miranda. I didn't hate her. I had seen it coming. It was refreshing to see him revitalized, happy. I had never seen him happier.

I just wish I could be happy too. At least for one moment.

"Hey, are not hungry or something?" her voice reached my ears. I was so attuned to the music playing in the bistro that for a moment I had forgotten about the people around me. I felt embarrassment creep up my ear.

She had big blue eyes, her flowery sundress complimenting her tanned, smooth skin. I took a bite from the loaded plate in front of me.

"We could leave if you wanted to. I-"

"No, no." I cut in. I felt ticklish in my throat. It had been a while I had gone out with somebody. Let alone a woman. She was staring questionably at me with her big blue eyes. We played at the same place. She had a way with how she moved around, how she composed and conveyed her emotions through just strings and bow. Maybe that's why I was attracted to her.

Behind her, a couple was seated close together. The man inched closer, whispering into the woman's straw hair. She shied away, giggling silently. I turned my chair, angling towards her and whispered as confidently as possible, "You look really nice tonight."

She let out a chuckle, but I could see slight surprise lacing her face along with concern. I smiled and looked away. I was getting claustrophobic in midst of a relatively empty room. We finished up and left, stepping into the cool night.

I felt a sudden jolt racing up my arm and I flinched. A moment later I realized she had reached for my hand. I immediately laced my fingers along hers, murmuring a sorry.

"The piece you played the other day, um.." she scrunched up her nose, "Hungarian Rhap-"

"Hungarian Rhapsody by Liszt, " I completed her sentence. She clicked her fingers and continued, "Yes! You were, amazing."

Rubbing my neck I nodded, "Um...Thank you. So was your Bartok"

Her smile was beautiful, it reminded me of sunny beaches, the days of forgotten bliss. I wanted to reach in and hold her as I kissed her. She reminded me of those lone, thrilling nights in Rome. Her golden hair was tied back loosely, some strands framing her face, glowing under the street lights.

My arms reacted faster than my brain and I tucked her hair behind, holding her face in the process. I stayed still, my gut on fire.

She reached up, stroking my neck, "Do you want to kiss me?"

I nodded, biting my lip unconsciously. I didn't know the answer yet to be honest.

But when have I been honest to myself?

"Elio," she whispered, slipping her hand behind my ears, "It is okay if you don't want to."

"It's not that Aleyna, it-" I sighed. If I continued, I knew it would lead the bile to rise up, like those unwanted, cherished memories. I shook my head and leaned in. She tasted of lemons. Her lips were soft, feeling familiar yet alien. I held her waist closer to me.

"Do you want to go back to my place or something? " She breathed heavily, warmly caressing my face.

"How about mine?"

She arched her body to mine and kissed me deeply again. Finally those lingering thoughts since arriving back home were finally starting to fade.

Her skin looked like ivory, glistening with sweat and moonlight, wrapped intricately in the blue sheets. I slid out of the bed, shivering as the air caressed my naked torso. I could feel my mind racing- What had I done? I knew I was about to hurt another person. I looked out of the window, onto the relatively empty streets of Paris- the city of...love? I still was not able to figure out why I had felt sick in the stomach as I reached home. I was yet to figure out what was troubling me so deeply. Reaching over for the glass pf water on the nearby table, I looked over at the calendar. Class tomorrow, performance in the evening, weekend choir. I went through my routine, unaware that my problem lay right in front of my eyes.

Having quenched my thirst, I lay back, pulling the sheets up to my chin. The slight melody of the night's air and her peaceful, rhythmic breathing lulled me back to sleep.

The date floated above my eyes, today. The train lurched forward. I was left alone, frail and small. That blue billowy shirt still smelled of him.

He had left today.

My eyes flew open, jerking awake from the momentary dream of mine. The vision became foggy as I turned around.

The closet door was slightly ajar. The blue shirt was peeking out, daring to rip his heart to shreds yet again.